My H's MLC

[GoatGal]

Hi Sarah,

Glad to meet you although I wish we had met somewhere else!

So many of the things you said rang true about your husband's statements and how different he was acting.

You've got to remember, right now, for our spouses--WAW or MLC or "other"---
it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
Literally and figuratively.

It's coming FROM them, and THEIR needs are put way ahead of yours or anyone else's.
They become incredibly selfish and ego-centric, acting like children/teenagers, while often we end up in a role like the nagging parent.
Not a great dynamic for a marriage.

All that: "he said he feels unloved... you killed his love for you..."
I think that's mostly a projection of the emptiness he feels inside, and most of them are trying desperately to "feel better", and OW are a part of that.

True enough that he doesn't "feel" loved.
(No doubt because, in his "mind", OW "makes him "FEEL loved".
I got the "You don't make me HAPPY." Later it was "OW MADE me HAPPY")

My H has said he "feels dead inside", "feels disconnected from me/us", no emotion outwardly, he was/is disconnected from everything.
Except during the time when he was actively involved with OW, then he was nasty, anxious, angry, blaming...

According to him, was all MY fault in one way or another, but later he did say it was all him and had little to do with me.
Which, out of all the crazy stuff he's said, I still believe.

It's all about putting it on you because they are unable to look within, and from what I've read, if it's really MLC, he's not going be able to do this for a long time.


Do yourself a favor and embrace sand's rules and put them into practice every day as best as you can.


FIRST: Don't pay attention to anything he says!
They will say all kinds of oddball, hurtful things, and if you let those statements run through your mind they will drive you up the wall. We ruminate over the bad things, twist ourselves around trying to "fix" it, then latch on to any little crumb of hope.

And although I think they're unaware consciously of what they're doing, somewhere deep down I think they know they're manipulating us in this way.


They make us angry so we show our worst side and justify them no longer loving us.
Or they push US to divorce THEM, making us the bad guy.
They give just enough honey to keep us hanging on while they go on their personal expedition.
Would they do that if they knew we'd pack their stuff and say:
"SEE YA! Don't let the door slam on your way out?" I doubt it.

They make us question ourselves, our entire marriage, our choice of them as a partner. (What was I thinking? Has he ALWAYS been this way? Maybe he's right, we are not right for each other/this is not fixable...on and on...)

They make comparisons between us and OW on some level. They HAVE to.
And you can bet WE come up wanting, although most people in real life would tell them they are insane.

They won't hear it.

Don't make the mistake I did.
Don't try and reason with him, guilt him (even subtly), try to help him get help, or even make it obvious that you really want him back.

What kind of woman wants a man back who, by his own admission:

1. Does not love you. (And will likely say he hasn't for a long time, or never did at all. A lot say that.)
2. Is actively cheating on you
??????


Not you, Sarah. Not you.

And what kind of man wants a woman who will tolerate the behavior he's dishing out?
???

Get the DBing books if you haven't already, follow sand's rules.

You will slip up--a lot--in the beginning, but keep on working at it.

You start your GAL and you SHOW HIM, through your actions, that you are strong, resilient, and you will not be sitting at home darning his socks in the event that he returns home.

You set your boundaries, whatever they may be for YOU.

For many here it was a version of: "I love you and our family, I admit I contributed to the breakdown in our marriage which is very important to me, I'll do what I can from my end, but I can not live with X-Y-Z..."

And then you try really hard to let him go as best as you can.

It's really really hard, but you'll get lots of good support here.

Keep your chin up, Sarah!

---GG