The betrayal is just too much to bear some days...most days. I've read so many books in that past month looking for answers, comfort, direction. I'm standing tall one day and on the floor sobbing the next. What an emotional roller coaster. H wanting out has been a total shock. If anyone was wanting and threatening to leave the marriage it was me. I knew we were having issues but nothing major enough in my mind to throw in the towel. What's even more confusing is that just two months ago we signed a contract on a new build. We were going to try for a baby in July and I was ecstatic. Our relationship was finally moving forward and now this. I cant confirm if there is OW but I have my suspicions. He has split the bank accounts and left me some money since I am unemployed. I just completed a great semester of college and was eager to celebrate with him. Never got to since he left on a business trip and came home with the bad news.
I'm a Christian and I find it difficult to apply some of the DR techniques and mentality. It goes against the biblical teachings of Ephesians 5: "Wives respect your husbands and husbands love your wives." I'm so distraught right now that I'm desperate to take any advice. I feel like I need to have someone to talk to constantly. My kids don't know anything and I refuse to include them in my marital problems. But H insists that they need to know. I can sense that he is burdened with guilt as well. Some days it feels as if he's providing me with subconscious hints to help him snap out of it...to fight for him...to stay and fight for the marriage. When I try to get closer and touch him while he's expressing his hurt feelings he pulls away and comments that my touching doesn't make him feel better. I know he still loves me even though it's been three weeks since he last said so. How do I break through his wall? Should I try to break through?
I know I haven't been the best wife but it's not for lack of trying. Now that I am free for the summer I have really stepped up with the ironing, cleaning, cooking, errands. He had been taking on most of the load this past semester so that I could concentrate of my classes. He says he feels used which makes me feel like a user. Some days he comes home angry and some days he comes home nice and polite. I'm not sure how to handle his kindness. Somehow it feels like he's pitying me. I don't know if I'm going left or if I'm going right. My church leaders don't seem to show an urgency for my sitch.
I booked a flight to visit my bro for 3 weeks in July. My kids will be with my parents for 6 weeks and felt this would be a good time for a moment of reprieve. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle alone. I've relied heavily on God to get me from one day to the next but the hurt is...please help!
