Not Confused...Insane in the Membrane

[BRNR]

I am feeling a little weird the past couple of days...and I've nailed it down to the feeling of I miss my "old" H. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride for the past year and a half or so. And when I get too much time with my thoughts, this feeling comes over me. The why's and how's have not come, which leaves me feeling that this mess that was created was for nothing other than to appease shmoopie's most internal wants and desires. Although I don't see a gain on either side.

Shmoopie is on a mission to tear me apart, and I have done nothing but give him space and time and no interference for the type of life he wants to live...it's like he sees I am doing it on my own, and can't bear the thought of it.

I finally received a letter from my attorney that says Shmoopie is represented and will be filing the divorce. He also wants to reduce his support obligations due to him not working. I am a little upset about it...I mean the guy has avoided the obligations completely for a year and now wants to reduce it. i have no fight left in me to fight this battle and have chalked it up to it is what it is. I am more mad with the fact that he is "okay" not supporting his children and me even though we were there for him for 15 years of my life than I am about the divorce or the loss of income that I desperately need.

As I said before, I am worn down. Missing my H (the man he was), and missing the life I should have been living. I look at my boys and see my H in them everyday. It's hard to fight the feeling sometimes.

I will say, that I haven't felt this way for this long in a some time. So an improvement on my part with moving forward is definitely seen.

Nobody I know personally understands how I feel. They all know (including me) how he has done me dirty and they all feel I should be ecstatic that he is gone. And to some degree I am, because I couldn't live in the chaotic way he does. But deep down, that's not the man I knew and married.

I guess if I had one wish, it would be for Shmoopie to see what he has done and be remorseful for it all. Nothing will ever fix it, but it would be nice for him to just "wake the h3ll up" and see what he has done.

Hopefully I get out of my funk soon. It has caused me a few sleepless nights and has broken the peaceful state I was devoting myself too. I have so much worry and fear of the things that are about to come. And I find myself getting angry when others talk negatively about the sitch.

Gonna try to smile my way out of this one today. Hopefully these feelings will subside soon. I can't take this emotion into an interaction with him.