She says she's conflicted

[25yearsmlc]

The Tough Love thing has to be done on us BS/LBS's too.


That is exactly our point. Oxford is continually pointing at his wife and or OM for change in THEM, which he has zero control over. Plus he has his own flaws to work on and those are what his job is, not fixing her or OM.

Honestly dude, unless you get yourself straight in the head and heart (for your own benefit), this whole process will eat you alive.
You'll do plenty of damage to what's left of the relationship too.

Most of our wives not only take our hearts when they go, but they'll take our balls too if we're not wearing them at the time.

Um, not to quibble, but I'm sure how this^^ plays in.

Ox's anger has worsened things, not improved them. He needs to control HIMSELF, not others.

Ox, Start by GAL, please...you'll never detach without that and you will repeat your past dynamics too much.

Bottom line is this,

No WAS comes home to a marriage they left,

UNLESS they believe the marriage can be

better/different than before.

It's your job to demonstrate YOUR changes...How on earth will she ever believe that YOU are different/better than before,

if you continue to repeat the same destructive
(controlling and obsessive and insecure) behaviors as you have for so long?

Just stay in your sandbox and work on You...stay out of hers and for God's sake don't even think about OM's sandbox. He has his issues-- but the more you point them out, the more she'll defend him. Unlike many, you have a wife in the home to whom you could better interact (or repeat the past bad behaviors she uses to justify leaving you or wanting an OM) b/c OM is a symptom, NOT the cause...

Fix yourself and improve the dynamics between you and your wife, and the rest takes care of itself. IN short, Back off, BE the better choice.

I wasted a year of my life wondering WHY?? my h was going all "Tundra" on me. A year I can't get back. (And our marriage had once been a truly excellent one, so we never had the toxic dynamics you are dealing with...)

I could have spent that year on myself and my kids' lives and improving them...but until he actually went up there, I could not figure this out. I tried and fell and got back up again and then when he left
I realized I only had one healthy choice.

When I GAL, I finally saw the light...and my goal was NOT getting him back.

My goal was to be happy, with the expectation that he probably was gone forever.

And I did get happier, and so did our children.

So when he wanted back into the marriage/home, I hesitated a long time b/c I just was not sure I wanted to be hurt again AND also b/c I had come to like my new life quite a bit.

My guess is that I became the woman he fell in love with, again.