My second crush...you raise good questions and some I don't think is in the right direction.
IF she wants back in, these are the questions I want answered:
What has changed that brought about this desire?
In my experience, it was a slow and gradual realization that my chit was mine to own and it was all on me all a long. As I've regaled in my previous threads, I came out of the fog and the picture was almost Claritin clear to me. Same thing occurred to Raine's and rH's husbands when they slowly shifted their feet back into their marital home. This process comes in dribbles. Usually doesn't happen in a fell swoop.
The desire also comes back ever so gradually. This isn't The Notebook movie you're viewing starring you and your W. Sorry to put a damper on this scenario in your head, buddy.
This is the MLCer mind at work. This is something you need to be mindful.
Why do you want me to be a part of your life again?
I am sure your W will have her own reasons. What's usually universal in the MLCer is that they buried their love for the LBS and it does come back slowly once the MLCer's fog is cleared out. We miss the true essence of you, view you as our true anchor in life's storms, and the history involved in being connected with you. Cannot deny that at all.
It is not "wanting the LBS to be a part of the MLCers life" line of thinking that you should be entertaining. We WANT to be a part of you, the marriage and the family. We are drawn back to that. That is if we get our chit together and realize that happiness is internal.
Why do you think I should allow you back as a part of my life?
This sounds unforgiving along with a mixture of self-righteous indignation. Am I 'warm' here, T? You make it sound as if W broke into a bank, stole a Trans-Am, or some other perceived law-breaking activity.
Would you tell a puppy who has deep, physical wound to bark/tell you why it should be allowed back into your life? Hell no! You'd scoop up the puppy and give it lots of TLC. Likewise with the MLCer.
What steps are you going to take to make yourself better?
That will have to happen much, much later. As I've urged Raine in her threads that she will have to be her H's wingman and act as a mentor to him. Most of DBers are at the Calculus level and the returning spouses are at the 2nd grade math. Whatcha gonna do? Just let W flounder and turn back on her because she' hasn't progressed beyond the 2nd grade level?
I get that you really want a partner to be supportive, loving, and encouraging in walking the same path as you. You gotta need to adjust your expectation levels in this area.
What steps are you going to take to make our relationship better?
Why don't you show the way as W's wingman? A true forgiving spouse will give the MLCer allowances for there'll be some stumbles in the reconciliation phase. Kinda like re-learning stuff again. In my case, I count myself very, very blessed to have walked the DB path for it allowed me to view my patterns, behaviors and habits with a different perspective.
What are some things you can do to show that I can trust this?
You are freakin' fearful of having a bomb dropped on you once again years down the road or W going through MLC once again. To me, based on what I've read here and elsewhere, I have not seen any former MCLer go through MLC twice. I would guess that the odds of that happening are very, very low.
You'll know it when W is getting back to the M. You've seen rH's and Raine's threads. Jack Three Beans too.
What are some things we can do to keep the R safe?
You need to look within and dig really deep as this is a reflection of your fears. Fear of a second round of MLC. Who knows...you just may get hit with MLC later down the road. It's happened around here too.
