What to do II

[GoatGal]

Ben,

Just wanted to chime in here.


I firmly believe my H is a porn addict, or at least a man with a VERY unhealthy attachment to it.

It has negatively affected our sex life over the years, no doubt about it.

Got to the point where he basically couldn't perform at all unless there were certain "conditions".
And let's just leave it at: They were "conditions" with which I was no longer comfortable.


Porn masquerades as something exciting, a substitute for intimacy.
FYI: I'm no prude and I've viewed my fair share over the years.
I never felt this way until I realized what I price I had paid for my "open-mindedness."


But I see now how it has ruined my H sexually and was partially responsible for destroying what could have been a much better M. IT was, more than the OW, THE reason he filed for divorce.
I wouldn't let it go and that's fine because I'm not willing to live with it any more.

I've learned about the human trafficking, drugs, abuse, gangs, underage performers, STDs, the exploitation of the people involved.

How, in the end, it really just reduces the people involved to nothing more than a collection of eager orifices and shafts with no needs or personalities of their own.

Viewing too much of this stuff screws up your brain for being with a real woman, because what is it telling you?

Who can compete with that?

The women pretend to enjoy things that most real women would not want to be doing in private, much less in front of a film crew.

There is no love, no intimacy, no vulnerability--in short, nothing that makes a good relationship good.

It's a lie, and it's destructive because it skews your senses and the chemicals released actually BOND you to the porn!


I belong to another board dedicated to overcoming porn addiction (as a spouse). The stories there are heartbreaking, from the spouses as well as the self-identified addicts.

Some of these guys can't go 24 hours... and struggle EVERY DAY. They are lost.
Since the internet came on the scene, it's become an epidemic.

And I know that my H's problem escalated MASSIVELY with 24/7 access. It even led to his infidelity in real life...until she dumped him, probably disgusted too.

So now he's alone with his computer, which, from what he says, is exactly what he wants.


Sorry, I realize I'm ranting.
I will now step down off my soap box and slink away to heat up a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup...

Just---be careful, will ya?

--GG

[Ben2010]

LOL I know what part you are talking about. I agree with that to some extent, but in my sitch it probably isnt a good idea. Thanks though Pilot

[Ben2010]

Thanks for the insight GG,

You always have something helpful to say as this is not the common subject matter on here. I have had some performance issues in the past with this too. Very embarassing when that happens. I knew what it was that was making it happen, but the W just thought that I didnt want to touch her. It hurt her feelings either way there. Of course I felt ashamed, but never really put forth the effort to not do it. I asked my C why I was able to do it so easily this time. He told me that sometimes a crisis can help you get the motivation you needed all along. That is one thing that I am happy about with this sitch.

One thing you said really really caught my attention here.
"IT was, more than the OW, THE reason he filed for divorce."

Is that really true? If so, I would say that is for sure an addiction. I would never let that be the reason I filed for D. Although I guess you could look at my sitch and say that basically I was doing the same thing in a different way. Im just thankful that my W has offered me a chance to fix it. I know with 100% certainty that if she ever found that I was doing it again that she would be done for good. I am not willing to let that be the reason that we dont work out.

I do agree with you saying that it is all a lie and that it skews your perception of how women really are. It makes you think that every chick out there wants you to C*m on there faces and stuff. The W even thought that I wanted that because it was in porn and offered to let me do it. It felt dirty and weird and uncomfortable to do that to your W.

I have been at that point before of not being able to go 24 hours before. It is rough and you feel pathetic after you have failed.

What is the name of that other board you belong to for porn addiction? I would be interested in checking that out. And I appreciate your concerns for me. It means alot that it isnt just generalized nonsense.

[pilot]

Ben and Goatgal, I am not at all familiar with porn addictions but what IF the guy was to do his thing to photos of his spouse? Would that help the situation for both parties involved?

[Ben2010]

That was a question that I had. The definition of porn basically can be any picture or video i guess that is designed to promote desire. Doesnt even have to be nude by definition.

I do have some naked pictures of my W though that I have questioned whether or not that would be porn. I hear that it is very unhealthy though to use those at this time for me.

[GoatGal]

MALE ASSISTANCE CALL!

Wow.
You mean to the photo of the WAW?


Hmmm.. I actually read somewhere around here that because of the bonding chemicals released, it will seriously inhibit your successful detaching.

But I'm no scientist.

There has got to be... umm... an alternative to both, isn't there?

Jeez. Please--some guy help me out here!
I'm out of my comfort zone...

[GoatGal]

Ben,

I'm glad you are able to identify the problem in yourself and you're dealing with it.

It is SERIOUS. And for many it is not easily overcome. My H is not the only one who ultimately chose it over his wife.
They get to a point where they just prefer it, and a real woman is not only "too much work", she's just "bad porn."



I'm not sure about the rules re: posting the link to the Porn Addiction site on this board.

It's not competitive in any way, but I'll ask our helpful moderator!


---GG

[Ben2010]

Hmmm.. I actually read somewhere around here that because of the bonding chemicals released, it will seriously inhibit your successful detaching.

Yeah this is why I said that I heard it was unhealthy.

[Ben2010]

I agree, it is serious and it is something that I need to get a handle on. Today is a little over 4 weeks since I looked at it. I know the feeling of it being too much work at times.

Yeah I appreciate it. Hopefully they will allow it.

[rayzzz]

I am gonna chime in.
First off sir Ben I salute you! For being a young padewan in the ways of db it is great to see such hopeful progress with your WAP! BUt remember...use the force wisely and slowly as the others said.

As well on the porn issue. That has affected me to, but recently I read this great book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and its all about being a man of integrity (i quote his rescuing a beauty phrase often here)
His view is that weak men get addicted to porn because they don't have the balls to have to engage in a real relationship with women, heart mind and soul. They would rather be emasculated and "wimp out" by making sure they could have any woman they want cause its their fantasy and they get to "win" and conquer her all the time.
Well I had a spiritual awakening since then and havent looked at anything for a few months now. and its gonna sound strange but even being "happy to myself" just started sucking the strength out of me. So its been very grounding for me to restrain myself and I actually feel alot more powerful. So yeah it can be done and glad you are getting a handle on this too.