What to do II

[Ben2010]

Alright so a huge update for my sitch:

Saturday I went to go buy a bike. Spent about an hour adjusting the brakes to make them actually work. After that for some reason I decided to log into Ws iCloud account...I know Im not supposed to do that, but I had to see if she was hiding something. So I didnt find anything, but as it turns out iCloud sent her a message on her phone letting her know that I was able to view her iMessages, Contacts, emails, pictures, pretty much everything. So...then she called me. I answered and she asked me what I was doing with that. I just replied that I didnt know...not a great choice. I asked her if she had something to hide and she said no. I told her that she wouldnt be mad if she didnt. I now know that she was mad just due to me not giving her privacy. Although she didnt start yelling or anything. Just not a good convo. She told me that she would have to call me back later that night if I wanted her to. I said sure.

I went to my brothers house with my new bike. As soon as I arrived there I get a text from her calling me a liar and that some things never change. I called her immediately and asked her what she was talking about. First of all she is not very tech savvy at all. But she told me that I had told her that I was logging into her iTunes account. Of course it is the same login as her AppleID. That is what I meant was that I was using her AppleID. I had just mistakenly said iTunes. She told me that she would call me back when she was done eating.

I went in and talked to my brother about it for a while and I was very upset. I think more about getting caught spying on her than anything. It took me about 2 hours to calm down from it for some reason. I had the mindset that I had blown it. My brother is very good at defusing situations and helped a great deal there.

She ended up calling me at about 11:30 Sat night. That was about 3 hours later than she said she was going to, but Im glad because I wasnt upset anymore. We talked for about an hour. She brought up the R in this talk. She told me that she has been missing me, but that spying on her just makes her angry. Said that she starts drawing closer to me and then I do something to push her further away. I ended up validating that but also pointing out that she knows how it feels to need to spy on someone. She has done come really crazy stuff when it comes to spying on me (calling friends, breaking into my house, sitting outside my work, following my car, blowing up my phone). She said that she understood, but then she told me that she had been spying on me too!! Said that she has been watching me at work and at home. Im sure to make sure that Im not involved with someone else. I dunno why but it makes me happy, I guess because it shows that she cares. And of course she didnt see me doing anything wrong either because I wasnt doing it.

She told me that she hates living with her parents, hates being around her brother, hates seeing other couples and wondering why she cant make this work between us. I told her that I understood the thing about the couples as I have the same reaction when I see them. She told me that it would be so much easier to just move back home but she wasnt ready for that. I said that I understood that she doesnt trust me yet and that it will take some time. She also confirmed what I thought, she is way more concerned with the porn thing than the possible cheating. I know that seems kind of odd but now that I know how it feels to her, I understand it.

She asked me why I was spying on her again. I asked if she wanted to know the real truth and she said yes. I said that it seemed like she might be involved with someone else. She assured me with everything that she had, that this was not the case. I believe her. She is not much of a liar. She also asked me if I wanted to know the truth about part of why she doesnt want to come home. I said sure. She said that she could come home today but that she didnt want to touch me at all. I said that I understood that and that no one is asking her to do that right now. That kind of hurt, but it is due to what I did so I cant be upset about it.

She also told me that she didnt trust me with my phone, TV and computer. That I would find some way to look at porn on them. I told her "lets get rid of all of them then." I said that it wasnt that important to me to cause her to feel that way. She sat in silence for a minute and I knew that she wasnt expecting that. I laughed inside. She then sarcastically told me "sure that fixes everything, ill just move back tonight." I said "no of course it doesnt fix everything, but it would be some piece of mind for her."

Here is a big one too. She told me that I was being too nice to her and that it was making her angry. Of course I know that it only made her angry because she has no opportunity to yell at me or anything when Im calm. Thats another thing that made me laugh. I even asked her if she would prefer that I be mean to her. She said no that she was not used to me being like that. Just so you all know that is completely out of character for me. Yes I admit it, Im kind of an a$$hole. Not always but alot of times. Im working on that though with the anger management and C.

Anyway we ended the convo on a good note. There is plenty more that was said that I think would end up making this way too long.

Here is the huge update though:
Last night on my way home from my brother's house, out of nowhere she texted me. Said I think that we should try to go out on a date on Saturday. I got pretty excited. I waited about 5 minutes and said "alright that sounds good." She said "Maybe dinner and a movie or a walk. IDK." I said "those all sound good, I will check out the movies." So needless to say that made my weekend for sure and Im still feeling great about that. I plan on making it nice and light and laid back. No R talk unless she brings it up. Not gonna pressure her at all. However, I am going to tell her that Im driving, this had been an issue in the past. I never wanted to drive anywhere. I will also pick the restaurant as this was also an issue that I would never decide before. Other than that, I will let it pretty much play out as normal. I am not jumping to conclusions or anything. I know there is still a lot of work to be done and it will still take time. Just gonna keep working on me and see what happens.

[Ben2010]

Maybe I phrased that wrong. I have started now. I am able to control my anger. What I meant is that I will be a "master" of my anger at that point. Im still learning it.

[pilot]

Very good news Ben. Glad to see you recovered from that backslide on snooping. That will teach you in the future! You lucked out that she had been snooping on you so she knew she couldnt hold it against you.

You seem to have your head in the right place about this weekend. Make it great, but dont over do it. This is where the LBS gets over anxious. Not saying you will, just keep the DB going strong. Reread Sandi's rules and even the DR book on the parts which apply to your current situation.

Again, best of luck!

[Ben2010]

Thanks Pilot,
Yeah lol. I did learn my lesson on snooping. I have not been checking her email or anything after that. I think I just wanted that reassurance that she wasnt trying to date someone else behind my back. I was actually happy that she said she was snooping on me too, cause then I know the feelings arent dead.

Yeah I think Im getting there. If not for my brother talking it out with me though, I would have had a bad convo with her I think. Youre right, I do need to take this date for what it is, just one date. It doesnt mean that we are back together or anything really. I appreciate the advice man.

[Thornton]

Good job man!

Way to turn a negative into a positive!

Go super slooooooooooooooooowwwwww. I've read so many threads where the relationship reconciles too quickly and there's another breakup within a few weeks because nothing has really changed.

No R talk, if she insists, just listen and validate.

Other than that, be a man only a fool would leave!

[Ben2010]

Thats the plan Thorn. I have to keep telling myself that this is not the finish line. And yes, that is one of the best negatives into a positive that I could have imagined. I was pretty proud of myself for deescalating the situation and turning it around. It actually felt like I was in control of the conversation too.

Yeah no R talk. Im hoping that she will try to hold my hand during the movie or something. This feels like a high school date...

Im trying to be that man. It is my overall goal. I cant tell you how much better I have been feeling about myself in general lately. I know that if she doesnt want to continue with me that I can be happy and I can make someone else happy too.

[Roid76]

I had the same problem about the porn addiction. My W was very upset and felt worthless and not loved at all. There were other obvious issues, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. I have been clean for over 7 months now, about 3 months before we split. It's hard, but try to put yourself in her shoes, and feel like she felt. That's what it finally took for me, and really wanting to change for my kids and future.

Good luck on the date. And yes keep it super slow. The hardest part may be to try and bring up what you are doing to better yourself, from what I understand in the DR bible, very bad to do and will only make you seem selfish. Try to focus on her and what she is doing. Listen and them listen some more. If she brings it up just be cool and controlled.

And after reading your stich, a lot of similarities. Nursing school, work full time, but added kids and 2 dogs. So I understand the stress, and wanting to feel fulfilled with the porn. It might take a while, but you are hopefully on the path. Good luck again!!

[Ben2010]

Thanks Roid,
I appreciate your support and advice. It seems that the porn is the straw in my sitch too. I would say that you have it beat then if you have made it 7 months. That is what has been driving me so far, putting myself in her shoes and not wanting to have to resort to porn. It really ruins your sex life.

Thanks! Im pretty excited about it. I will try my best not to let that show though. That shouldnt be hard to focus just on her I wouldnt think. She might ask me some questions about what Ive been doing and Ill try to keep that brief and not act like it is a big deal.

[Ben2010]

Journaling:
I am getting a bit nervous about the date just thinking about it. Trying not to wonder why she even asked me. It just seemed weird that she would ask the day after we have a R discussion that was good, but had plenty of "im not ready" and "still dont have any feelings" in it. It made me think that her parents are pushing her to work it out. I dont think I would want it that way. Im sure that it wouldnt work if thats the reason. Oh well maybe it is just that she wants to see for herself if I have made any changes at all.

Feels like Im in high school sweating it out until Saturday for a date with a girl that Ive been pursuing for years. Coincidentally that really happened to me in high school and after one date it turned out that I didnt want to date that girl that I had been after for 3+ years.

On another note I have decided to cut out not only porn but any form of self gratification as well. Not sure how thats gonna work but we will see. Im sure it wont hurt the sex life at all when it does get back to that point.

[pilot]

On another note I have decided to cut out not only porn but any form of self gratification as well. Not sure how thats gonna work but we will see. Im sure it wont hurt the sex life at all when it does get back to that point.

You need to rewatch Something About Mary. There is a part in there which contradicts your approach, especially prior to a date