Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

Man alive you're a tough cookie MrBond.

You don't have to keep on. I know I didn't do enough. I know I could have and didn't. I know I had warnings. I do accept responsibility for ALL of this. I am not trying to reapportion any of the blame.

When I said 'she's not perfect', I am quoting what she said to me. I think she was trying to soften the blow. She also added 'no-one is perfect' in the same sentence. I admit it could have come across as though I was trying to deflect some of the blame. I'm not. Please believe me when I say this. I mean it. It is my fault. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I failed her. I own it and I will regret this for the rest of my life whatever happens.

My marriage however, is important to me. Very important: I love being with her, we make each other laugh; I love to talk her, she is very candid; I love to hold her, she is so warm; I love her crazy hair in the morning, Ilove her style, I love the way she belches loudly without a care in the world (sometimes in public when she forgets), I love how she is raising our children (with me I hasten to add), I love the way she squarks with laughter, I love so many things about her.

What am I going to do? Do you want a list? I thought you didn't like lists of what people say they're going to do; you like action.

I am accepting full and unequivacal responsibilty for what has happened. But I am not wearing a hair shirt: that is passive aggressive. I'm through with that: other issues may take a while longer.

I am planning family activities which she may or may not want to join in with. I know she needs time off, that's OK.

I am a good father to our children: she says this, but I can and will do more because I only get to see them at weekends.

I am going to solution-focused therapy where I do not wallow in misery and complain how terrible everything is. I am trying to sort myself out and reverse those self defeating habits and thoughts.

I am looking for a martial arts class to join locally. I used to do this before we moved out on London.

I will get back into going to gigs, listening to and playing music. This was always my biggest passion. There's one in a couple of days time I can go to. And I want to see Television later on next month.

I am getting in touch with friends who now live further afield and making an effort to re-engage. I have already met up twice since Bday and called, texted and emailed others.

I will read more and learn about how to contribute to a successful relationship - I am half way through Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but now DB has finally arrived, think I'll switch to that first.

I will take a more active role in my work.

These are just a few things I am doing or will do: there will be more. I am not satisfied with my current life as it stands.

I am looking to the future and I AM going to get a life.

If you have any further suggestions, or if you think I am missing something, I'm sure you'll chip in.

[Ben2010]

How is the solution-based therapy going so far? What kind of suggestions or plans have they come up with for you? Im interested as it might be something that I might switch to. My C is really not much more than a listening ear. It helps me sometimes but I dont understand what Im paying him for really. Good to see that you are starting to get some things going. Also good that you are reading DB now. MrBond has good advice, he is a little harsh sometimes, but I think its just to make you drop all your excuses, realize what you did to cause this and start doing something to remedy the problems. Just read the books and take the advice of the vets on here.

[MrBond]

"What am I going to do? Do you want a list? I thought you didn't like lists of what people say they're going to do; you like action."

I didn't say that "I" didn't like lists. I just said I see alot of talk and no action on your part.

All that stuff that you just outlined is good, but none of them (with the exception of reading DB) is going to help get your W back. You need to do some activity that will help your R as well.

[Old Dog]

Ben, the biggest thing my therapist suggested was getting DB. I then looked up what it was all about and found this forum.

I have got a print-out of 'resources for feeling better' which is a list activities you can do to feel more positive e.g. keep a gratitde journal.

Another is a list of 'examples of cognition' with positive and negative cognitions. e.g. [subheading] 'Responsibilty' (I did something wrong) - I should have done something / I did the best I could (I ticked the former MrBond). This is from Francine Shapiro - 'Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing'.

I could scan these in at work tomorrow if they would be of use to someone.

I have only had two sessions so far, she's away this week, and much of that had been background and dealing with my grief and loss, so we have only really just started. The 'examples of cognition' was homework.

I've just finished chapter 2 of DB and am nodding along saying yup, yup that's right, I see that now. Lovin' the bit that says people can and do change.

I know MrBond has good advice. I've read quite a few of these threads. I'm using Sandi2's list as a bookmark too.

You need to do some activity that will help your R as well.

This is something with which I could do with some help. I realise my list is light in that respect. I've been advised to 'go dark'. I have read some of the 'Going Dark 101' thread, but I haven't got to the where this is in the book.

I'm working away from home 5 days a week, so that's pretty detached: not much contact there, but that has been the norm. Something I should have done and didn't is step up communications to combat the distance between us.

I don't know how to reconcile going dark with the need to do some activity that will help the R. I am trying to act positive when we are a family unit or with the kids, but not disclose too much info about how I'm getting on - just saying something like 'OK thanks, how about you?'

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. Should I start up long distance communication? She would obviously be wondering why I'm doing it now - too little, too late, I told you it's over. I could ask to speak to the kids, but that's a thin smokescreen.

[JayMan]

You have to flavor it a little bit with your own knowledge of your W, but ONLY if you're certain you know exactly who she is.

Several months ago, I went dark for only 3-5 days at a time, and it drove my W right back in to my arms. I don't know why, but for that time period, she needed to know she was going to lose me.

Right now, I've been dark for almost three weeks, and I've not heard a word from her in her second A. I know it'll fall apart in a few months, but I've decided to move on, and file D on my own.

Follow the 37 rules, but use them with common sense. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

[Old Dog]

Thanks JonF. I'll keep on reading DB for pointers. I was awake in the middle of the night again and read another half chapter. I am quite excited about what I am reading, but also reining in any false hopes. Dog tired now though.

I'll keep on as I am at the moment, try to be upbeat with a PMA, but unforthcoming about how I'm doing that. 'It's just my way of getting through this.'

[Old Dog]

I haven't posted for a few days now. Been busy reading DB and finished it yesterday. DR also arrived in the week. I don't know whether to read that first or re-read DB as there was so much to take in.

No contact with W during the week. I'm at work miles away. I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. It was normal for me not to contact her during week - I had no news (yes I know I should have - I don't know why I didn't as it would have been nice to talk). Should this be a 180? Or would it be viewed as chasing.

Returned home a day later than usual as a colleague was having a leaving do. It was nice to get out. A positive sighting of a GAL moment :-)

Felt positive coming home but when I get here, I feel fear and doubt again. I think I'm doing pretty well keeping a PMA though, but it's a strain; especially at night. We're still sleeping in the same bad. I wake up and hear her breathing, feel her warmth radiating (no touching now) and it just breaks my heart. Lying awake at night with your mind battling negative thoughts and PMA is exhausting. And she's also awake for some of that time thinking her own thoughts.

We went to some friends 25th wedding anniversary party yesterday and had to pretend everything is all right. S12 was feeling a bit left out, so I took him to play on the trampoline and we had a great time: +1. I learnt later that W spotted us and sent our host down to take some pictures. Apparently she was a little teary. Mustn't read anything into this.

Our 21st it's in one month - what on earth do I / we do about that? And, that's also the week were planning to go on holiday.

I really need to speak to my therapist as, although I now know so much more, I'm lacking clarity, but she's away for another week. As well as this forum, I'm writing a journal and scribbling things down on paper when I get to passages in DB and there's other stuff I think of, but it's all a mish-mash. I need focus, but that's kinda hard to er focus on when you're all over the place.

Oh, and just as an aside, I've decided that my glass, which up to now has mostly been half empty, is now being reclassified as half full.

[Old Dog]

We've booked a holiday for a week in a month's time!

A few weeks ago W was talking about it and asked me if I'd liked to go. It was made clear it wouldn't be an opportunity to try and get back together. The plan was suspended due to ... well the situation.

Anyway, we spoke about it again at the weekend and I think she must feel we should be able to cope. I have been practising rules 12 & 13 (as well as the others) of Sandi2's rules to the best of my ability after all. I re-iterated that yes, I would like to be with my family on holiday.

How does this square with detaching though? I won't be chasing. I'll just try and make sure we all have a good time together.

I'm also taking the following week off and will take the boys off somewhere while she goes back to work. And then a couple of weeks later she's taking the boys off for a long weekend to see some friends. I can't go as I've been called up for jury service. Both of those are quite spacious. She booked the weekend before 'confessing' (her choice of word) to me. I'm disappointed not to go as well, I always enjoy visiting our friends, but I just said 'oh well can't be helped'.

I'm not reading anything into any of this other than all of us need a holiday and of course the kids will be expecting us all to go.

I find it hard to judge how to act. I say act, but I do feel as if I have lurched out of the stagnation and am concentrating on keeping a PMA so it's not act as in acting. I mean at the moment it is behaviour, positive self re-inforcement behaviour. Stand tall, head up, walk briskly, no slouching. Always look on the bright side of life. Don't let things like sitting in a queue on the motorway for hours on end, as happened today, get you down - and it didn't.

I guess all I can do is do my best. Judge the situation as it unfolds and keep working on myself. I'm the one who needs to change and I like the PMA I have been acheiving. I just don't want to overdo it (rule 22). I don't believe I am.

I'm also unsure how to 'do some activity that will help your R as well' as MrBond said above.

Time to crack on with DR for clues.

[Cadet]

I'm also unsure how to 'do some activity that will help your R as well' as MrBond said above.

I think you are not understanding what Mr Bond wrote.

This is NOT going to be an activity like if I take my wife to the beach she will fall in love with me again.

[Old Dog]

I'm also unsure how to 'do some activity that will help your R as well' as MrBond said above.

I think you are not understanding what Mr Bond wrote.

This is NOT going to be an activity like if I take my wife to the beach she will fall in love with me again.

No, I do understand that: I'm not thinking of some romantic quick fix solution. I know it's going to take time and effort, but luckily I now have the gift of time (now where have I heard that before? :-), and I can make the effort.

I was thinking, I wish I had a blackout curtain as it's 5am and I'm awake again. But as I lay awake, I thought about how our relationship differs from just over a month ago to now.

I still feel a tremdous sense of loss and grief at what's happened and there is a constant physical ache in my heart but I decided pretty early on to not let this take over my life.

So, the similarities are that we're still living together, no physical intimacy, with the same work/life patterns as before but now I'm much happier in myself as I've been jolted out of my six month temporary depression and resentment phase. I now know a lot more about this relationship lark and my own faults and failings.

I came across this in the Going Dark 101.

"If i stay dark then, based on my past performance (pre DB), I am not changing ... my SO will continue to slip away, whether I stay at home or not.

If I take charge (of myself) and stay in the house; this can be seen as pursuit, manipulative or, too little too late. However this is also likely to, with adjustments, have the greatest benefit in the long term for ME if I stay constant so the changed me becomes the REAL me."

By George, you've got it! By George, I think you've got it!

One of your key phrases there was "taking charge of yourself".

"Actions speak louder than words".

My going dark is confined to the relationship now. I keep a PMA and keep busy. My attitude to life is now sunny and I'm more cheerful. I can see my wife pondering this at times. She's thinking 'he's doing this to win me back, but it won't work', or maybe she's thinking of the shopping list: I don't ask, I keep on keeping on, and I do the shopping.

The main things she spelt out to me that caused this, were my lack of emotional reinforcement (the Gerald Rogers list), passion/drive and not being pro-active.

This what I have to work on for my own well being. I am working on the drive and pro-activity front, but how do I start on 'some activity that will help your R as well' when it would probably be seen as unwelcome pursuit?