So here's the deal. I've seriously screwed up my sitch and I'm not sure how to get back on track and to really give my M a chance. Right now I feel like I've probably pushed her so far away that I'm started at square -50.
At first I was doing all the normal things, promising change, begging for another chance all that normal stuff. Then I went to even more extremes I started checking the phone bills, found out she was talking to other guys, and then she started sleeping with another man. At this point I went off the deep end and started reading her texts. I started arguments with her about it and I think I pushed her farther into his arms. The texts had me so mad that I went dark, but I didn't go dark and still be friendly to her I was mean and cold and not nice at all. Simply dark and cold, she tried to call me on two occasions to "talk", but I just shut her out.
I even went so far as to call her and tell her that I wanted to work on our marriage and for her to leave him and let's rebuild our marriage, then when she said she wasn't ready for that I told her then that I would no longer be talking to her about anything except our children. That as long as she was involved with another man then I was nothing more than a father to her children.
At this point I totally shut down on her. However, I kept reading her text messages and saw her talking to different guys than the one she's living with. This infuriated me and I told her that I would cooperate on a divorce and that we could work the details out etc. I also made her make arrangements to come and get her stuff because I needed to move to a cheaper place (which is actually true if we aren't together.) Then the next day I text her again and told her that I wouldn't file for divorce, if she wanted it then she could pay for it and file it herself, because I didn't support it.
That was when I actually realized how bad reading the texts was for me. However, I was still non cooperative with her and was being cold and indifferent. This all culminated to this past Sunday when she came to get her stuff.
I was expecting things to be tense and uncomfortable, which at first they were. Then we made our way to the kitchen and while we were dividing stuff she told me that she's not even sure that she wants a divorce, but she's not sure she wants to be with me either. She tells me that it's not about the other man and that she's only living with him because she didn't want to live at her mom's house, and that she didn't leave me for him, but felt like she needed a guy's attention. This took me by surprise because I was reading their text's for so long and saw her telling him that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him and vice versa. I admitted to her that I had been reading her texts for a while and that I knew everything, but that I hadn't read them in about two weeks. I then started telling her that the change would be real this time, and tried to explain a bunch of stuff to her and probably made stuff worse. Made her hug me when she didn't initiate, and just really screwed the pooch I think.
However, I did acknowledge that I didn't know she still felt that way and just assumed that she was completely done with the M and that's why I was so mean and cold. I did tell her that I would start being more civil with her, but still reiterated that I couldn't be friends with her as long as she was with OM.
I was in emotional turmoil all day Sunday and yesterday, then last night I had a come to Jesus with myself. I asked what I really wanted out of all this and looked inside myself and saw what I've really been doing. I'm going to start being completely honest with you guys and I want to stop thinking I can do this alone. I want to 100% stand up for my marriage and I am able to love and forgive her no matter what. She is my wife and we have a family and I want to save that if it's even possible a small amount.
I do however feel like I've pushed her so far away and that I've seriously screwed stuff up. Please help me get back on track and start doing the right things and actually do them.
As for myself, I really and honestly do want to undergo real change and I've started dealing with a lot of my issues in IC and undergoing the "Quest for Authentic Manhood" with a spiritual mentor. I've started doing my GAL and I have some good friends I hang out with, go to a divorce support group, church, started playing basketball again, and doing a lot of reading.
I'll make a list here of the things she said made her want to leave and what I've done to address them so far.
- She said that she felt alone, that she was home alone with the kids all day, and then when I came home I just wanted to get on my IPad and then when the kids were in bed I would get on my computer to play video games while she was left out there to watch TV.
- She said she felt unattractive, and like she was a piece of meat. That I was always just grabbing her boobs and butt and when we would have sex that as soon as we were done I would just hop out of bed and go about my business.
- She said I always lectured her and never listened to her.
- That I never wanted to go out and take her and the kids to do stuff.
- That she never felt like herself, like she had to be fake. She used this as a reason to explain her actions somewhat, saying that when she was finally "free" she just went crazy and wanted to just do whatever. However, she did say she's getting tired of the crazy lifestyle.
Right now that's all I can think of. Here's what I'm doing to work on myself.
- I've sold my computer, and have stopped playing video games. In my IC one of the issues I'm working on is my obsesive personality and how I simply obsess over and over jumping from one obsession to another.
- I can't really do anything here, because she lives 5 hours away. I can just simply compliment her when I do see her, but other than that I don't know. However, I think I probably screw ed this up more Sunday too, because I grabbed her butt and asked her to show me her boobs. Didn't think about this until I was reflecting on things. However, I have stopped looking at porn and masturbating completely because I feel that may have been a huge factor in me objectifying her.
- I screwed up here too, because every time she opens up I just want to talk to her and convince her and help her see the right way. This is an area where I need to just STFU and validate what she's saying. I struggle with this with everyone, and really need to find a way to stop it before it starts rather than realizing it afterwords.
- This is true, between me worrying over money and being obsessed with gaming, I never really wanted to go out. I was also struggling with some depression there. On top of that I stopped taking her out on dates too.
- I'm guilty here too, I was always so focused on "what a happy marriage is supposed to be like" that I always was telling her how she "should" act in an attempt to get us to that perfect marriage. What I didn't realize is that I should simply accept her for who she is and if I want my marriage to change start looking in the mirror. I don't really know what to do about this other than just not judging her. I'll stop referring to the OM and trying to make her feel guilty about it. I did tell her that I understood how she would have felt like this and I needed to simply love her and accept her as she is.
With all that being said, I want to consider this a fresh start in my DB process. I would love some resources, reading recommedations, and some true no holds barred guidance and advice. I love my wife so much and want to save my marriage, but I need to get out of my own way and I'm afraid I screwed things up way more than they had to be, and I need to start repairing and recovering the damage so that there is still a chance instead of pushing her to far.
Thanks for reading this long post and any advice.
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
