Please take what I say in the spirit in which it is given, because I honestly am trying--one last time---to help you see what we mean. ----------------------------------------------------
There is something about the way you have latched onto this issue, the "averages" per Michelle on SSM, the statistics, the way it seems you are missing the forest for the trees.
There's something about the way you seem fixated, wanting a concrete answer, for things to conform in some way, "I do X and Y should happen", "A marriage should be X, with sex this many times, on average", or it fits into this category or that. It is ALL TOO FAMILIAR to me.
(The thing with the puppies affecting a woman's libido was kind of funny, but also disconcerting when I realized you were deadly serious. I also noticed you haven't responded to any of the humor offered up.)
In fact, you're deadly serious and extremely upset about this, way more than seems "average" to the rest of us.
So I'm just going to throw this out there and you take it if it rings a bell, or chuck it out the window.
But before you do, think about it really hard and maybe get more info before you tell me to stick my head in the oven. (JOKING!! )
Some here on this board know I have ADD and mild Asperger's. Now--I'm no doctor, not by a long shot, but I have many friends that fit that description and they are some of the coolest, kindest, most creative, interesting, (best looking!) people I know.
Some things you've said and the way you've said them, and the overall interpretation you're putting on things (very black/white/statistical/concrete/not being OK with things being open-ended and vague) is something I struggle with myself.
I'm not saying you have Asperger's/ADD, but just wondering if you'd ever heard that you deal with things a bit differently than the average person, or as a child?
For the record, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 43 and 50, and it was a shock. But it sure did explain an awful lot!
Same for some of my friends. They were driving their spouses up the wall (NOT SAYING YOU ARE DOING THIS!) and just missing social cues, misinterpreting social interactions... They have since gone and done all the self-tests, etc. and got it confirmed that they are, in fact, wired a bit differently.
Like me, they took advantage of this information and have improved their lives and relationships in general.
In my case it was really subtle and I compensate REALLY well. I didn't think it was affecting my marriage except in subtle ways, (H has ADD too, not Asperger's though), so we sort of "got" each other. It's all the same spectrum. But probably it has in some weird way. I'm not even sure it would be a negative, to tell you the truth. I am extremely loyal, serious sense of right and wrong. Completely trustworthy.
It's hard to get a sense for this in a forum like this, but I can pick people out pretty well in person. (Takes one to know one.) And your posts just seem---familiar. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to keep responding. I dunno.
Anyhow, before you go off on me and tell me there's nothing to it, do yourself a favor and take a few of the online tests, just for fun.
Then come back here and tell me I'm a donkey's behind....
But honestly? I was reading your posts last night and it sort of popped out at me...
It won't fix your sex life, but it might give you some insight. Then again, this is just a anonymous forum and I'm in no position to do anything other than share my thoughts, for what they're worth.
Good luck!
---GG
Honestly, I'm looking for a way to deal with putting what I can't stop wanting on hold.
If there's a secret to not wanting sex, tell me. I'd cut that body part off if it would help, but I don't think it would to be honest. I don't think there is anything to make desire disappear.
So instead I just want to handle it better. I've gotten much better about it. But when it's bad, all the nice letters I write don't help ME feel any better, know what I'm saying? When I struggle....bury it? I can do that...but how to not let it bother me until I can actually not want sex anymore?
I sincerely don't expect her to want sex just because I do dishes and write nice notes and rub her feet. I don't feel the expectation. It sounds like it's coming across that way, like if I do x she will do sex.
I DO, however, struggle to not sometimes want sex. Better than before? Absolutely. 100% gone? I'm afraid that will never happen (and I don't believe it should, either).
To be honest, when you mentioned the forest for the trees thing, I am afraid someone like Michele might tell me I'm being TOO compromising of my own needs and ONLY focusing on her needs. It's not that I'm clingy, it's that I've paid attention, listend to Michele and my wife, and I make points to deliberately show her love in many ways...and she doesn't, know what I mean? It doesn't have to be sex-------for example, maybe I wouldn't want sex if I just felt like my wife at least WANTED to want to have sex, or did any of the things I do for her to show her love, etc? I can HANDLE less sex more than it feels like I can handle the feelings I have from not being wanted and having sex once a season (because even then it feels more like it's "for me" rather than something she actually wants like she did before me).
Michele said a SSM can be any marriage where one partner craves more touch and/or sex. I don't want it every day, but by everyone else's definition too, it's sexless, right? That's not ok to mention? It helps me to hear things like that to know I'm not crazy or wrong to have these feelings of hurt I've never felt before----that alone helps me deal with it and suppress it more.
I just have to figure out what to do when I wake up at 3 AM and can't sleep and feel unwanted and have a desire I can't fulfil.
)