Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

I've been thinking about what I wrote a couple of hours ago and you know, I don't think I am lazy. Well not more so than the next man/woman. I am always willing to do what W asks, without grumbling. I do a great deal round the house. I even cycle 11 miles a day to work and back when I could get the train which would be quicker and more comfortable.

A pleaser perhaps, and it may even have been an unconcious strategy to keep W. But no, I'm going to withdraw the lazy bit.

Claire: thanks for chiming in. I'm not normally depressed, I'm usually quite affable and always up for a laugh. Having said that I have been rather depressed over the past 6 months as I waited until W was ready to engage with me again. Of course it went the other way and now I'm yoyoing between despair and trying to get my positive mental atttude in gear.

It didn't work today. I was all I could do to stop bursting into tears in the staff canteen. I feel a little cheerier now as I listened to a mindfullness podcast on the cycle back to the flat.

So what's the answer? I don't really know. I would veer towards not, but anyone can be hit by it at times.

I chose my current therapist/counsellor (only 2 sessions so far) because they practice solution focused brief therapy. I know I have to work on myself: anything thereafter is a bonus. I'm not counting on it. And that feeling is depressing. And all the what if I, why didn't I etc.

[Old Dog]

I have realised, I quite enjoy writing this 'blog/diary'. I'm also aware that this could be a sidetrack to head off down instead of sorting myself out. I don't usually enjoy writing. Maybe it's because it's all about me me me.

I can't see my therapist this week as she's off on a trip. I've been trying to be quite objective about all this but maybe I need a steer on that. Don't over analyse, just get on with it.

[MrBond]

"I've been thinking about what I wrote a couple of hours ago and you know, I don't think I am lazy. Well not more so than the next man/woman. I am always willing to do what W asks, without grumbling. I do a great deal round the house. I even cycle 11 miles a day to work and back when I could get the train which would be quicker and more comfortable."

That's not the point. You're not lazy for the things you WANT to door HAVE to do. Your M isn't a priority, so you didn't bother trying. Lazy.

"A pleaser perhaps, and it may even have been an unconcious strategy to keep W. But no, I'm going to withdraw the lazy bit.I'm also aware that this could be a sidetrack to head off down instead of sorting myself out. "

You may withdraw your comment, but it doesn't make the problem go away. By doing so, you're trying to minimize the problem that your W had with you. Just because YOU don't think you are something, DOESN'T mean that you're not. Your W asked you to be romantic, to take charge, etc. And you didn't do it. Actually, you're right. You're not lazy. You're selfish. Like that title better?

[Old Dog]

Your M isn't a priority, so you didn't bother trying.

It hurts to read that. But yes. I just expected it to work, stupidly rested on my laurels. I was, am selfish. I am ashamed to admit it. I don't like it and don't want to be like that.

I found LuckyLuke. The king of inertia it seems. I could give him a run for his money.

I don't want to do that any more. I used to have more energy. We did a lot of fun things together. She chose me because I had something about me. I need to regain my spark.

I've had a bad day today, but this evening I've made an effort to get in touch with some friends I haven't seen for ages in a bid to GAL. It's a start and I mean to carry on.

[Ben2010]

ODSNT,
I think maybe you are like me a bit. I have a hard time getting motivated to do things. Here is the thing though, if you take the first step, youll find that it gets much easier. For example, the hardest thing about working out is making yourself go to the gym and get a membership. It isnt the actual working out. That can be fun when you get going. So next time you come up with these things that you need to do, do everything you can to just take the first step. That list I told you to keep either mentally or physically, use that as your guide. Im sure there are plenty of things on the list that you dont want to do or dont feel like doing. Force yourself to take the first step on those things and you will see that it isnt that bad. I will tell you that in my situation, there were many things that I thought were beyond my reach or just too hard to do. That wasnt the case at all. I was surprised to find that almost everything that I was worried about was way easier or cheaper than I thought it would be. You have to have an open mind when there are things you are trying to accomplish. I think MrBond is trying to get you to realize that some of these things you are saying really are things that you can change if you care enough to do so. You have to want to do it though. You can say that you are the cause of the problems, but what are YOU going to do to fix them? I like the SBT that you are working on. Thats the way to go. Dont worry about what has happened in the past, work on what YOU can change. Concentrate on yourself here and your life will be puzzle pieces that suddenly fit in to place. Thats the one thing you can be selfish about right now. You fixing yourself. Dont worry about what your W is doing right now or how to impress her or fix her. Fix you and the rest will work out.

Good Luck man.

[Old Dog]

Thanks Ben. I know you're right. And I know I can do it. When I was younger, I wasn't so afraid. I left the family home and headed for London. I didn't know anyone, I got a job, went to gigs, met people, joined a band. I had a spark.

I think I'm just still suffering from grief. But I immediately knew I had to do something. That's why I'm here. I hope you are right about MrBond. I thought he just didn't like self pitying slackers :-)

I am heartened to hear it is possible to change these things. I'm on the road back to sunshine and happiness. And if I feel down tomorrow, I'm going to listen to my mindfulness podcast until I'm out of the red and back in the black.

[MrBond]

"I hope you are right about MrBond. I thought he just didn't like self pitying slackers :-)"

Actually, I get FRUSTRATED with self-pitying slackers whose WAS told them for YEARS what they needed to change but didn't. What is amazing to me is that your W told you time and time again what she wanted you to change, went to C, etc. and you still didn't want to change. Do you know how many LBS here would have killed for that opportunity?

Yet here you are, posting about how bad your situation is which was preventable and yet you still don't change anything. All of your fawning and wishing that you could do something is just talk. You still haven't DONE anything.

You can still save your M, but I don't think you want to. I have a feeling you're going to be one of those marriages that are saved but will fail again because you're not going to keep your changes for life.

[Ben2010]

ODSNT,
You need to think long and hard about what you want here. I know what youre saying about wanting to save your marriage. You have to WANT these changes for yourself. Prove MrBond wrong here. Im sure he wants you to. Show yourself that you can change, accept the challenges that are in front of you as roadblocks to those changes and break them down. Like I said the first step is the hardest. Just take that first step. Dont have pity on yourself. Understand what you have done to cause this, forgive yourself for doing that and then find out what it is that you can do to change it.

So get your a$$ up and go DO something that is at least a step towards what you want to accomplish. You got this.

[Old Dog]

Some of us are just built differently MrBond. It may be a confidence thing, it may be fear, it may be all kinds of things, but it just doesn't happen. Or maybe you have to hit rock bottom first? And I'm well aware that other people would see my situation and think stupid idiot or is that all he's got to contend with?

I don't know if my marriage can be saved even when I do turn my stuff around. My wife is astute and determined and she'll know the truth. I can't think about that now, I've got a job to do: and I have started by the way. I'm writing down what I need to do and I'm doing it. This is one of those things. Small steps, but it's a start.

I saw on LuckyLuke's thread that someone posted 'less talk and more action'. I copied it down, as well as 'Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL'.

It's hard to forgive yourself when you've done something so mindnumbingly stupid. But my wife says, we did what we could at the time with what we knew. She's not perfect either.

Thanks for coming on here and giving me a kick up the arse and for the encouragement. In days gone by I would have gone all passive aggressive on you like I did at school - '**** you I won't do what you tell me'. I can recognise that in me now and reject it. It didn't do me any favours then and it won't do now.

[MrBond]

"Some of us are just built differently MrBond. It may be a confidence thing, it may be fear, it may be all kinds of things, but it just doesn't happen."

Of course it doesn't "just happen". But that's what you've been waiting for. You've just been waiting to just happen. But the issue is that you've had TONS of warnings that this would happen and you could have done something just as easily as writing down a list You say you're not lazy because you are active. Again, you're only active in the things that you are interested in or that are important to you.

Your M wasn't/isn't important to you so you don't do anything. IT IS as simple as that.

"I don't know if my marriage can be saved even when I do turn my stuff around."

You're saying this as an excuse to not even try. You really don't seem to care.

"I'm writing down what I need to do and I'm doing it. This is one of those things. Small steps, but it's a start."

Not enough. Talking about it gets you nowhere.

"It's hard to forgive yourself when you've done something so mindnumbingly stupid. But my wife says, we did what we could at the time with what we knew. She's not perfect either."

Wow pretty condescending. That last sentence is where you are still putting the blame on her. Let's face it. She told you time and time again what you needed to do and you didn't. End of story. Start taking responsibility and man up.

"In days gone by I would have gone all passive aggressive on you like I did at school - '**** you I won't do what you tell me'."

Boy I sure am lucky you're not like that. You did that because you were lazy and thought you knew better than anyone else. That doesn't make the problem magically go away.

"I can recognise that in me now and reject it. It didn't do me any favours then and it won't do now."

So what are you actually going TO DO?