7.5 months ago my fairy-tale marriage of 18 years took a major nose dive. My 42 year old husband returned from a business trip to tell me that he and a 30-year old married co-worker had started a "friendship." He thought that his honesty with me would mean that it wasn't cheating, and he also thought that I would be happy that he was so happy! He claimed he had always wanted diversity in our marriage (although he never wanted/wants me to have the same diversity).
Anyway - as he continued to explain to me that I had always over-romanticized our relationship (what?) and he thought he should buy his friend a computer ("she needs one to correspond with me!") and a car ("her car is so crummy!") I realized that this was not the sane, rational man that I had married. MLC? Seemed like it. In addition to this lovely new "friend" (with whom the relationship has become physical), he was struggling with the loss of his libido, fear of losing his parents, many physical aches and pains, and disapproval of his body image. (He didn't buy her a computer or a car, btw....)
Over the last 7.5 months I've made the resolution to stand for my marriage, but sometimes I think I'm losing my marbles. We have two kids who are teenagers and awesome. They wonder sometimes, "What's up with Daddy," especially when he's acting strangely. Otherwise, I think they're pretty in the dark. They know I'm depressed.
I've done many, many things incorrectly. I've told him to end the relationship more than once (never with an "or else,"). I've definitely cried in front of him. I've DEFINITELY become depressed and shell-shocked. When he asked how he could get his happy wife back, I told him that he would have to end the relationship with the OW. (This was back in December, and his reaction to that was, "But it would make her sad!")
The ride is a roller coaster. He has told me that he is less happy now than he was a year ago. He hates that I consider him a liar (he has definitely hidden the truth from me which is a GIANT change from our relationship before all of this happened). He still sometimes tells me that he wishes that he could talk to me about his relationship with OW (absolutely not). He talks about our future all the time, and has never asked for a divorce...so in that way he's not like many of the MLCers. About 6 weeks ago he put a self-imposed travel ban for work on himself....and he said he was much happier being at home with the family. That said, today he is on a trip in the UK, and she's there, too. Knowing that neither one of them have to return at night to a spouse is making my stomach curdle.
I made some boundaries early on...No texting her while I was in the room (family public spaces like the kitchen or the family room). He followed that. When she was traveling to our city he was to still come home to his family at the same time of night (rather than hang out with her) - and he did that, too. I wasn't sure what to do about physical boundaries, because that's something that's been shifting over time. Initially it was just an EA. Then they kissed. Then they stopped kissing. Now I think they're physical again. If I'm not supposed to ask, how do I make physical boundaries? Do they just push him away? I've recently been tested since I was suspicious about his behavior...I've come up clean still.
Other things that I'm doing right....I've taken up yoga, which is lovely. I have reached out to a few friends and discovered I have an amazing network of people who understand why I'm standing for my marriage and help me get through some really tough days. I started therapy, but I'm not sure I love my therapist. I've never done therapy before, and I sort of feel like I'm spinning my wheels there. My therapist basically nods and tells me I'm doing great, but if that's true, why am I still walking to the back corner of my back yard and sobbing from time to time? (He hates the fact that I'm in therapy, and thinks that I should be able to talk to him about why I'm so sad. Whenever I cave and tell him about what's on my mind he goes totally silent for about 24 hours. It's been several weeks since we tried that...)
SO - in reading about MLC in DR, it looks like I'm doing the right thing by being patient and I've stopped making demands. (I skipped ahead to the chapter on MLC in The Divorce Remedy.) I need to figure out the lovingly distance part, since one of his gripes is that I didn't pay enough attention to him before this, and that I always prioritized the kids. How do I show that I'm willing to work on that and happy to enjoy doing things with him, just not while he's got this piece on the side? And is there any information about the transition out of MLC? I sort of wonder if I will know that he's moving out of it because at that point he will ask me how I am doing rather than just report on how he is doing. (The selfishness of MLC is just astonishing. Sometimes it feels like I have three teenagers.)
Any thoughts on how to just get through the next few days while he's "working" with OW? He is likely to message me throughout the day...He always gets upset that I become "cold" before his business trips. Frankly, I think he's projecting his own guilt onto me. Anyway - not really sure how to 180 the messaging on the trip, other than NOT respond If I could figure out how to do that in a lovingly distant without appearing cold or apologetic, I would do it! I don't jump on every message the second it comes in, but early on he told me he liked corresponding with her because she was so attentive to him and made him feel great. No duh!
Lastly, special thanks to my HS roommate who steered me to these books. She's a therapist in TX and has done workshops with Michele. I'm so glad she referred me to these books. They make sense and give me hope.
