I was forced to text wife today, for July work schedule, just asked for dates she works so I could cover setter stuff for D's. She sent me a calendar page. Looks like she is going on a float trip next month, I had to catch myself thinking who is going, and is OM going to be there. But then I stopped and thought, nothing you can do, but keep being nice and try to get better for me. So tough, doing all this.
I reached out to my mother today. I was having issues with thinking to much and needed to quit. Texted for a while, she kept asking me is that what you are thinking or she is saying. And most times it was just my thoughts running rampid. What I said, I think she is just waiting because she is scared to hurt the girls, but really wants out in a divorce, mom says thinking or saying. I said, I think in March, when her lease is up she is going to want a divorce, and I am just waiting for that. Again thinking or saying, thinking.
Reading minds big time today, took a walk during lunch at work though. Really helped to clear the head a bit. Trying to tell myself, you aren't that bad, you made mistakes like everyone, and just need to polish up yourself a bit more.
The hardest thing right now is no intimacy for so long now. I don't know you guys handled this part, but man is it tough to get through. Funny thing is I can't even think about another woman without getting sick to my stomach, and not feeling like a good person. Is that normal to, do I need to just not think about it.
I have been at this for three months almost four. And still feel horrible about the things that happened. Will it ever just go away?
