Help Please: Chapter 2

[labug]

( ... had to clean the coffee spew off my screen)

It probably is an effort for him, as he might feel like you're from Venus. Sounds like his processing skills are different.

As an aside, as I was working through all my sh!t (and that's ongoing) during the S in our M, I came to know that all I was doing was really for me and my future. Yes, it could and did make it possible for my M to come back together but, I knew before that happened that I needed this experience because it forced me to find the tools to heal myself.

It also allowed me to look at M and what it meant, with new eyes. I also had that "we NEED to/should do certain things together because we're married" weddings, work parties, get-togethers in our neighborhood. That's the model I had seen and what i thought M had to look like.

I have an acquaintance who was a leader (she's moved) in n'hood events, had her own business, physically active, 3 beautiful Ds, but I rarely saw her and her H together. I thought "hmmm must not be a happy M." Wrong, they're very happy, they just accept each other for who they are. Being social is her thing, not his. She's a strong woman and doesn't feel that he has to accompany her to things he doesn't want to do. And let's face it, probably 2/3 of the social obligations we keep are things we'd really rather not do. But we do it because we've been taught we should.

This past Sunday, I wanted to take a drive up the mountain and be cool (it's HOT! in the desert now). Sunday morning I invited H to come with me. He felt he needed to visit his mom so I went alone. As I was leaving he said "I hate for you to go alone." I said, "Don't cause I don't want you to go if you don't want to be there."

I took my book and a lunch and sat and read and felt the cool breeze and listened to birds. It was beautiful.

In the past I might would have expected him to come and if he didn't, anger, hurt, resentment would follow. There would have been curt words, guilt, silence...

I take this tack with most things now. I have a need (cool mountain breezes, go to a party, attend event) I invite him, he's free to join me or not. I have no expectations about his choice. His needs are different. I'm responsible for my needs.

"What will people think?" I don't care. As long as the 2 people involved in the decision are happy with it, it doesn't matter what others think. My primary R is with my H, not the peanut gallery.

This takes a lot of pressure off my H, and allows him to be more attentive to the R in other areas. We took the 5LLs quiz when we were coming back together. It was insightful and we now have a common language for needs and we both feel comfortable in asking for what we need.

Had I really needed him to come with me on Sun, I would have said that and he would have made the trip with me. But there has to be that mutual respect to differing needs, give and take and negotiation. Less expectations, shoulds and have-tos.

It didn't occur to me at the time that the "balance" had all swung the other way. It took afew years for me to realize

I like that you put balance in quotes because it indicates you know there's never really a 50/50, one or the other is always giving a little more.

If you didn't realize until a few years later, he can't be faulted for not seeing it. When you recognized this, what did you do about it? Clearly knowing our needs (and these are independent of the R) and being able to state them is key t this process. What was your need in this instance?

Some of them are circumstances, though, or things, like the rental house that was too small, that he left to my judgment that in retrospect I think he would have done differently if he had chosen to make time to participate in the decision. Those things I can not solve for. I think he could develop better skills for participating in our life together rather than being so passive and conflict avoidant, learn to be a little more generous with his communications, and it would solve a lot of our problems. But I'm not sure he sees that part or even sees it as something that is not hard-wired but is improve able.

The part in blue reads like equal parts mind-reading and you-judging-you.

The last part, I'm sure I have something almost word for word written in my past posts. I probably have a whole volume of "If he would only..."

I had everything figured out so my H had no need to participate, it was just easier if I did it myself. When he did get involved, I saw it as intruding or mucking up my plans or too little too late, or rolled my eyes.

Then I would whine that he never got involved, I had to make all the decisions. It was the dog chasing the tail.

It was my own fear and anxiety that made me the "Decider" and I had to calm that to be able to step back and see what happened when I dropped the reins.

Disaster did not ensue.

Bottom-line we can only change ourselves but in that process, those around us are given the space to change. You have to look deep and see what it is you want to change, what's holding you back. People who make us crazy are usually a good mirror, as they're reflecting something in us that we don't like. When someone triggers me these days, my first thought (well, maybe second) is hmmm, there's something I need to work on. I don't try to fix them, I work on fixing me.

I don't know your H, he may not be capable but your M is probably worth a shot, right? It's not an easy journey but it is so worth it.

I don't want this to come across as I did all the changing and H did none because that would be false. He's changed a lot and is still changing, he feels safe.

I can only truthfully relate my process.

Take a deep breath, and another, and another, accept the present moment and see what your world is reflecting to you.