Hurt and Confussed

[oad]

well with or without the job we are not getting back anytime soon from the way she has been talking and filing the divorce. I feel like if she is probably thinking that this is more a reason to divorce...but I may be wrong. Its the way I handle this situation and how I react that will show what kind of a man I am. I can easily say poor me..my life is falling apart and now I get laid off...which is probably what she expects or I can get a better job and bounce right back up...the only way from the bottom is up. But I need to not care what she thinks because it will only bring me down and mess with my head.

[pilot]

well with or without the job we are not getting back anytime soon from the way she has been talking and filing the divorce. I feel like if she is probably thinking that this is more a reason to divorce...but I may be wrong. Its the way I handle this situation and how I react that will show what kind of a man I am. I can easily say poor me..my life is falling apart and now I get laid off...which is probably what she expects or I can get a better job and bounce right back up...the only way from the bottom is up. But I need to not care what she thinks because it will only bring me down and mess with my head.

Or she could be pissed that if you do not have a job/income, she cannot get financial help from you AFTER the divorce. Divorce is a great time to be broke.

[T-boned]

I have to disagree with Ben's suggested response, "well it has been kind of refreshing." Those sound like words of triumph or something. Like its rewarding to be away from them. Or that you got one over on her.

IMHO, I like the tack you are taking, the listening and the calm voice. Way to approach her at this point I think. She was probably a bit upset to hear about the lay-off - I'd not guess rage, but I wasn't there to see her face. I'd bet on serious disappointment, maybe, because she could have been hoping to get some financial aid in the settlement. Plus it's always a little unsettling. Do you make more than her? Then there's the kids, you'd probably have to give her something every month to help with them unless you get 50/50 custody? I don't know about that stuff.

My H and I didn't have kids - one of the sticking points in our marriage, but one thing I had a plan for right before, and I mean days before he left.

I like the change I think I'm hearing in your words. As the saying goes, "Keep calm and carry on."

Also, again, be the man she would be STUPID to let get away. I think you may be starting that.

Go surf...

[oad]

well she makes more than me and she wants us to be civil and have 50-50 custody.

[oad]

Ok so we had a pleasant talk yesterday...this morning when I went to the house it was pleasant, I wasn't following her around. Just doing my thing with the girls. She left to work and said goodbye..i was in another room and yelled back goodbye. So now I think since I have the girls for a sleep over for 2 days I should continue my DB and LRT, the way sandi2 suggested(indeffrence) sandi2 or anyone, if she wants to hang out

[oad]

I hit submit by accident....if she wants to hang out and chat again do I tell her im busy? or keep chatting with no fights? my wife is very pridefull and the fact she told me that she was doing real bad financially is pretty big. I remember before I moved out I told her "how do you figure you will have more money if we have 2 incomes?" she responded "that's the chance im willing to take". I remember thinking that one day she will eat crow with those words...when she told me last night about her finances I thought back to that day, funny thing is I swore that day I will throw it back at her. but I didn't, I kind of had a self satisfied moment but just felt sorry for her.

[oad]

I meant "how do you figure if I move out and we separate our bank accounts you will have more money?"

[T-boned]

Well that's good to hear you've got the girls for a couple of days. That should bring some joy to your heart.

As far as 'just' chatting with her if she wants, I think part of DBing is not being available all the time. It's a tough one, I know, but she needs to get the feeling of what life will be like without having you to lean on especially since she's the one so keen on divorce. Also, you can't guarantee there won't be a fight. I'd pace myself, but that's me. Hopefully a vet will chime in on this.

As for the finances, she may get a surprise and be told by the mediator that she will have to pay you spousal support - I don't know if she knows that yet, and if she doesn't that probably won't sit well. I know it didn't for me when I was told of that prospect, however, I was the one getting dumped and that just added salt to a very open ugly gash in my heart. Talk about OUCH!! Turns out I didn't have to do that, thank goodness. And my H, being a very prideful 'man' as well, probably wouldn't have agreed to it. (The 'man' thing is just cuz I'm finally a bit angry with him right now - will be journaled on my post site some time tonight)But back to you. So I wonder how much she's willing to chance knowing that is a possibility.

I'd say play a little hard to get unless the conversation is something important like the girls, fianances, health issues, or your marriage/divorce - basically business. Not chatting just to chat IMHO.

[oad]

ok seems her being nice and open was just to see if I was still there...fine with me though. Back to GALing and LRT. Man I sure can use a vacation from all this..lol

[oad]

well it is with a very heavy heart that I report to all that I just got served divorce papers from WAW...man I feel shitty