She says she's conflicted

[RedHawk98]

As someone who has just worked this out, the OM really shouldn't be all your focus.
He is a symptom. Not a cause.

The OM is most likely the opposite of yourself and totally unsuited to your wife.
These people sneak in, fulfil your wife's needs when you aren't/or unable to, and your wife subconsciously rewires her brain to cope with any guilty feelings.
He is NOT Superman. Just a parasite.

Do whatever you have you to do to pour some water on those hot angry coals of anger. Any displays of anger just serve the OM and not you.

Spouses don't return when you're bashing them over the head with morality either.
As much as people seem to think it does.

Do what works and be patient. Try not to validate her choices for her though. That is the fine art.