Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

DB check up. Feedback greatly appreciated.

Since I have been home we have barely spoken. I think I am keeping up a PMA, I have been in a fairly good mood and when I am not I go for a run to snap me back. I caught him off guard over the weekend by going out with a friend. We haven't spoke about it, but I saw a flash of surprise when I told him that I had plans.

I need more GAL things to do that are free. I figure I have Al-Anon meetings, I run every day, I have been going for long walks with S, I've been taking the dog to the off leash park. I've been working, putting time into my job search, I have to get back into gardening. Most of what I do is around the house though. I don't get out much, and with only one car it is not easy to just get up and go.

Yesterday D wanted to play soccer so I went out there with the kids. But I got worn out and came back to make dinner. D asked if I would go back out if H went, too. These kids still have no idea what is going on, thank God. But the fact that they can't tell that we haven't spoken more then 3 words to each other in 6 days probably is an indication of how bad things must have been even before all of this started. Anyway, when she said that I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he looked at me waiting to see what I would say. I just told her that my legs were really sore (they were, I guess I need a rest day from running) and that I would play with her again tomorrow (which is today).

So he went out with them. And I'm glad because he doesn't do that stuff enough but it made me so sad because having the whole family go out to do these things has always been so few and far between and something I loved and the kids are constantly asking me for. "Why doesn't dad ever want to do stuff with the family?" I hate that question. I never knew the answer. They would never ask him, and I didn't know. Now I know, I think, but I can't tell them that it is because he can't stand me. If I wasn't around maybe he would spend more time doing things like that with them. I think from now on my answer to that question will be, "I don't know, you should ask him."

He got to be super dad yesterday and I didn't get to be a part of it. I kept myself busy by cleaning up.

When the kids came back laughing and telling me about H's skills I smiled and laughed along with them. But it [censored] that I am on the outside. That we have to take turns spending time with the kids because he refuses to share anything with me anymore. I just want to be a family again.