I've also come to another epiphany in the last little while. And that is since I loathe myself so much in your presence I loathe you for having loved that person. Even if it's not those qualities that you love. Obviously! But you accepting those parts of me hasn't made me overcome them, rather they surface more frequently. This might be a topic for our next session with FT
This part right here seems to me to be sort of the crux of the issue.... I am not a therapist or your wife but I have suffered with these thoughts before too...
it is sort of like...
you loved this person that she really wasn't (because she didn't know who she was) and so...you sort of love the person she hates (as she does not know or love the person who suffers from such pain and depression)
so
if you love that person then how can you possibly love the REAL her? and how can she love someone who loved someone that wasn't really her but a really bad version of her
Does that make sense?
lots of people who are this depressed and who hate themselves this much, turn to drugs
she didn't
she turned to an OM
so...basically, he is her heroin right now
think of him as a drug...he isn't good or healthy for your wife but she is using him as a way of medicating her pain...a way to feel normal and in control when everything else in her life feels out of control. Once she gets healthy, she won't need to self-medicate with him but there will be guilt and you will have to help her through that...through that healing when she is who she was always supposed to be but so guilty because she can see what her self-medication caused
