afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Well here I am at the one year mark of BD,

I know I am a different person but I am wondering if I am a better person or just a changed person.

I think I have learned what it takes to make a M work and would love to try that but W has other ideas.

I have snooped enough and stopped once it become apparent that what I thought was true was indeed true.

I asked W if she was having an A straight up she denied it. I said ok thanks for answering but I'm sorry I have this feeling in the back of my brain that tells me otherwise but I will trust that you mean what you say.

I did not accuse, get all upset, plead with her or nothing just left it alone because it is not a deal breaker for me.

I have done things around the house that I wanted to do to fix it up. Of course, it is too little too late for my W but I haven't stopped because these are things I wanted do for me and my sanity. She has commented a decent about amount about these things I have done but never really any affirmative responses just really a lot of, "I didn't think you were listening to me but you were because these things you are doing is everything I wanted you to for years." type answers and "all this is nice but you never changed back then and now I'm not looking back in my rearview. It doesn't matter that you changed now or whatever."

I validate and let it go.

I feel detached for the most part but really not sure because although things my W says or does don't affect as much emotionally or mentally anymore.

I still find myself trying to understand why she says things but doesn't act on them.

For instance, Never since I moved back home, now near 7 months, Have I asked her to stay here with me.

Every so often when something goes wrong for her and she gets upset I am always to blame(I get understand that is always the case with WAW). She still says she is afraid of me, living here with me is complete hell and well you get the point.

I tell her she is free to leave any time,not in a mean way, just that I will never try and beg her to stay.

She then always comes up with an excuse. No money or I wont tell her what she can take with to live furniture wise.I have been asking for list since Nov 2013 finally got one 3 weeks ago, waited a week, she got upset I hadn't done it, so I stopped what I was doing and went through it and it was not very emcompassing at all. She said I didn't have to stop what I was doing. I said "you just said I was roadblocking you so I wanted to show good faith and help you with your request."

I believe she wants to leave but is waiting till after our hearing, to determine APL and if I must pay W legal fees, to do so. But when I ask her when she is moving she says I didn't say a date we just need to keep moving forward.

I know I will have to give her some assistance because of the laws in my state. My L says it depends on what W says at hearing and maybe I can get it lowered some.

If it doesn't go in my W favor enough she may not move. I am ok with that but don't understand if she is afraid of me and I make life hell then move in with someone, anyone(except male because that would take away any monetary support from me) so W can feel safe and free from my hell.

I don't want to force her out but at the same time if she stays I need to handle things differently I suppose. Any suggestion? Being nice and non arguementative, givng her space and not pleading(much) haven't worked. But neither has validating and empathizing actually.

My L has some things planned that I think might surprise my W. It will upset her greatly. It may not help what I have give my wife each month until D is final but the overall may swing a little in my favor in the long run.

I know this has to be done to protect my interests but I really don't want it to embarrass or hurt my W in any way.

I understand she couldn't give a rat's a** about me right now but once reality hits her maybe it will be a different story about working on things down the road but maybe not and if that is the case so be it.

I honestly believe my W is being forced to proceed with the D by some people. I can't control that but I feel the longer this goes the better chance I have to possibly R. Just the mere fact that the house is looking nicer and I am continuing all the things I have been doing since BD like IMC, church, no drinking and going to the gym(restarting 7/1 after a 2 months break because of work) can only help. These things have become 2nd nature at this point so I know they will stick. Problem is W still isn't trusting that.

Overall, I am doing ok and I owe a lot of thanks to all on this forum who have helped me. Without this board I would have done all the wrong things. I don't know if my M can be saved but finding this place is giving me my best shot.

I know my thread is long and tedious to read but if anyone wants to read it again and has any more comments or advice it is always appreciated.