Possilble WAW

[GoatGal]

Dawgy,

Forget the affair timeline. It will only cause you to have expectations.

Expect to be in it for the long haul; meanwhile, try hard to embrace what you are learning here.

I am FINALLY starting to feel a bit more in control and it's been--nine months since A discovery on my end.

If I had not found this site, I know I would be in divorce court as we speak.

If you need to vent, do it here. Check in before responding to your W.

(The fact that you did that about the text was spot on, rather than going off half-cocked and giving her a piece of your mind, which would be the 'normal' response of non-DBers.)

Shifting focus is paramount.
It's really hard, but you can do it.
Find something else POSITIVE you can dwell on and direct that negative energy into.

---GG

[rayzzz]

im afraid she cant forgive herself for what shes done . I think she is going to struggle with that . If the affair was over i could help her . Im praying that this fling is on its way out and she doesnt leave us .

whoa Nelly! You need to grab that crystal ball, grab a hammer and smash that thing to bits! Are you listening to how you are fortunetelling and ramping up your anxiety?
We have all bled like this before...just when we think our surtures are healing the WAW stabs us again in the exact same spot and the wound flows fresh. Sorry this xoxo text triggered all this and I really can feel your pain but listen to your db "family" here and detach away. What hasn't been mentioned here but which is part of detachment is cognitive behaviour therapy CBT, mind over emotions. Find some CBT methods and mindfullness training to help.
Here's my trick: when I start obsessing over WAW and start falling into that painful abyss I just tune into "listening mindfullness"....focus on the sound of the cars engines as they drive by, your boys laughter in the other room, the swoosh of the curtains by an open window....it can jar your thoughts a bit and has done a world of wonders for me. Cry for minute (away from WAW eyes) deep deep breath and then rawk it!
Pick up that sword and shield and battle on. rooting for you

[dawgy]

what do i do if she leaves and moves in with OM / That will be brutal . I cant believe that she would do that but she s been acting very strange this last couple weeks . Being very mean and uncaring and then the next day being thoughtful and kind . Shes driving me nuts . maybe thats her plan . Now today seemed to be somewhat normal but then i started snooping . Mainly because i dont want to get blindsided . Surely she wouldnt do this to her kids . My god she must see how this is gonna hurt them . i suppose a WAW doesnt see clearly or think rational . there mus tbe a way to keep her from leaving . I m affraid if she leaves , I wont wnat her back even if she wants to come back . That would be worse damage than the actual cheating in my opinion . I like the analogy pick up the sword and sheild , shges a beauty to be rescued . I really feel that way

[GoatGal]

Dawgy.

STOP.


Re-read EVERYTHING that's posted above from this board.

Then start again...

I know you have four legs but you're already off on the wrong one here...

--GG

[PeterV2]

dawgy, don't take the 6 month affair as a rule. That may just be an average. I have no idea who did the research to come up with the number.

My WAW's A lasted over a year. And I'm still not 100% sure it's totally over. I think she's keeping him in her back pocket in case things don't work out with me. But that's just my imagination going wild.

Ive got it in my head that if we make it to the end of the month and she doesnt leave Im going to kick it into gear DB bigtime ,but right now i just need to make it to there .

2x4 time. Dawgy, give your head a shake! NOW is the time to kick the DBing into high gear. Seriously! Consider it a challenge like you've never had before in your life. The next 7 days are critical to follow Sandi's rules to a T. Do not waver. I know it's incredibly hard, when you're going through the emotional rollercoaster. I've been there and you have to do all your freaking out in private and not in front of her. Take a drive or take a walk to a secluded place and scream and cry there. When in front of your W be happy, calm and detached.
Don't snoop. Don't mention the OM. Don't mention the A. Be the H only a fool would leave. Do it NOW!

[pilot]

Hang in there dawgy. You are in the worst part of it... Every day will get a little easier. Soon you will have a calm about the whole thing, and it becomes much easier.

[Riley]

Dawgy,

An alien has abducted your W.

This alien only looks like her, but this alien is bat [censored] crazy.

You don't want this alien around you, it is a plague.

This alien hurts your feelings and you are a man and are not going to let this alien violate you like that.

Get away from this alien, and follow Sandi's rules.


It is hard man, I only got better the further I fell and realized that attachment hurts - detachment doesn't. What you're feeling is ok, its normal to feel like [censored], cry. The world isn't over. The only thing I could say is go outside more, the sun is a natural anti-depressant. Another is to find a spot somewhere on a hill and go scream. Get the emotions out in a private place and then come back to the world.

[pilot]

^^^^what he said

[dawgy]

Im trying here guys . This is the worst thing ive ever been through . Not snooping is very difficult . She was fairly pleasant today but all night she kept blankets between us and didnt want me to touch her . I m not so sure about this detachment thing it seems to work a bit but them it also gives her time to be with OM . That does nt make sense to me . but if you guys say so . I also noticed that you guys are all still separated ? Has anyone gained some ground here to say that Sandi s list really works ? I not doubting it , im just looking for proof that the technique works .I really appreciate all the input . It makes me feel better but so far all I can see from the techniques of DB is giving her some space , she likes that but probably only because it gives her time to text or be with him .Also detachment scares me , what if I detach to the point i dont care about her anymore . Thats not whaT i WANT HERE , i WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE MORE THAN ANYTHING iVE EVER WANTED . iM NOT QUESTIONING ANYONES POSITION HERE , iM JUST VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE TECHNIQUE

[PeterV2]

Dawgy; It's totally counter-intuitive. But it's worked for me. We're still not back together, but more because of work demands - she works nights. But she has ended her affair. She came back to me back in late May and we made love. We're now going to counselling together. We still have a lot to deal with but I would not have gained this much ground if I had continued pursuing. Read my thread. On a scale of 1 to 10, in Dec we were at a 1 but I feel now it's at a 4. Still a long way to go but progress has been made. It took us 5 years to get to the point of crisis. I can't expect it to return to a loving caring marriage in a week, a month or ever a year. I could be looking at a 4-5 year healing process. I certainly hope it happens quicker, but setting my expectations too high will just lead me to disappointment.

I still snoop from time to time but it does me no good. My imagination is worse than reality. It's hard but really necessary to be self-disciplined about this.

You won't detach to the point you don't care about her. But you can detach to the point that you don't try to touch her at night until things turn around which may be months.
Yes I know this is unbearably difficult. We've all been there.
Hang in there and keep following Sandi's rules.