She says she's conflicted

[25yearsmlc]

"I have said to her, I would rather see you on your own then with this POS.
He is a fake phony fraud and she just does not see it."

Wow you haven't listened to anything anyone has told you. First of all, you CAN'T make her see anything that she doesn't want to. You just can't stop controlling her. And let's face it, if it's not him it will be someone else. Then you'll complain about that one as well.

"Oh , i am the real man...she says what she says to shut me up...When she commented on dumping both of us for a real man she was just trying to get me to stop."

You don't get it. By doing what you just did, shows that you aren't the "real man" she is looking for. You haven't changed. You're still trying to be controlling and are just as bad as the OM.

"I will tell you if I dont stop she will leave again..I just have to shut up."

That's not going to do any good because you can't seem to stop. AND you don't seem to want to change or stop controlling her.

"She already told OM to not cone to the US. If she is lying to me and I catch her with him....I pity him and then I will file for divorce and lock her out of the house.."

Big words. You haven't done anything. AND you haven't changed. That's why she hasn't been looking back towards you. Given your attitude and the way you talked to her, why would she want to go back to you?

I think today was bad because it was our anniversary.

YOU attached expectations and YOU went too far with your talking about the M and or the A (again). Stop deflecting responsibility away from yourself.
That's the main pattern I see through out your posts.

You feign an "insight", then pretend to want to change a flaw, but the next thing out of your mouth is a defense/excuse or "explanation" for you, again, NOT controlling yourself. Not shutting up, when it's obvious to everyone that you should is a lack of discipline/control OF YOURSELF.

For a man who wants to control others so much, you may want to start by controlling your mouth and yes, your thoughts. You let them run wild, negatively....

This morning we go into it because she started

OMG here we go w/the blame game, round#39358...

and tonight it was me.
I feel awful about it.


Well, so what? I mean, you repeat other behaviors you also feel bad about. You don't change and you don't really "take in" what we are telling you.
Process the feedback...don't just defend yourself or make another journal entry b/c then, why are we to bother giving you any feedback?

You need to get AND use tools for change. As long as you refuse to do that, you stay stuck. That's on you. I hope someday you'll own that with your sons and not have them try to shame their mother into returning home. It won't work for long anyhow, and that's best case scenario. No WAS returns home, and stays, out of shame. It's wrong and it's too painful.

If you can't let this go (and you have given every indication that you cannot ever get past this), then what is the point of her making any effort?

FWIW, I thought if my h felt guilty enough, he'd return. I was wrong.

He converted the guilt he sometimes felt (never once did I trigger it, but he'd miss the kids, or they'd hug him, etc) But MY attempts to guilt him always, always, turned into anger and blame AT ME. \

And if I had "publicly" tried to expose or shame him (b/c that's what exposure is designed to do, and involving family or friends --e.g., them writing letters, is an example of more controlling attempts and shaming...and it's the opposite of what a woman having an affair, is going to be tempted by)...My h would have felt cornered and defensive. That does not help ME.

Work on YOU and only you. She's not your job to fix or complete.

I told her that as her "Anniversary" present I would stop .
I would just stfu ![/b]

I've never heard of someone talking about shutting up...Do it already.


Even our MC said this relationship is mine to loose.
The problem is I keep thinking he is here this week.

"...I keep TALKING and TRYING TO CONTROL HER/OM"...that is THE problem. Period.

I know it's not easy to change this controlling streak, But it sure isn't complicated.

Whenever she tells me she had to work on the weekend or there is a meeting in the middle of the day it usually means he here

Who cares?? So what? How are you becoming a better man/choice? That is your task. Do you understand that?

So, What are your 180s? And your GAL?

(And please do not involve family members again...OMG that is NOT helping YOU or them)

Become a man only a fool would leave.

That^^ task will solve every solvable problem you have that is within your control. Leave the rest up to God.

CHANGE YOURSELF ASAP.

B/c you keep blaming her, and obsessing and deflecting, at your peril.