Hurt and Confussed

[oad]

well today im having a bad one, I miss my wife and family and home. It is very hard trying to figure her out. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I find myself trying to. The other day she called my best friend and told him that she is done with me because I will never change and that im selfish and never thought of the family, she gave him like 20 to prove her point. Like how sometimes I wouldn't want to go to a kids birthday party because the other dads were not going and that it proves that im selfish and he said that it seems like she is building a strong case against me for why she is divorcing. I know I had my flaws but she really is making me out to be a turd, and the hard thing about it is that I was not the guy she is making me out to be. All she can think of is the negative. She says she is lonely
and misses the companionship but that I will never change. How can you show someone that you are changing and making yourself a better person when they wont even give you a chance? She says she never wants to marry again or have another relationship, that she just wants to focus on her and the girls. How do I handle this, it seems everything I do is wrong. I feel like im living in a freaking nightmare!!! everyeone tells her that im changing and she says im only doing it to try and get her back because im sellfish...urghhhhhhh sorry guys had to vent a little.

[pilot]

oad,

Every LBS has had to deal with this. It is VERY important to remember that your WAS will speak in ABSOLUTE NEGATIVES. They will rewrite your M history to justify their current actions. Did you really expect your W to tell your best friend how great you were? If she did, people would think something is wrong with her for leaving. I had to deal with this recently as well when her dad called me to tell me all the awful things about me, half of which were either not true or extreme stretches of the truth. Just accept it for what it is...and do not take any of it to heart. Keep at it.

[pilot]

Just continue to work on yourself. Do your 180s, GAL, and detach. She will notice your changes. In time she will notice if they stick or not. One thing you have to take on faith is that your WAS is thinking about you even if only a little. She is hurting and confused. SHOW her why she would be a fool to leave you.

[oad]

Thank you Pilot...its good to know im not alone. Its just weird how all this is happening.

[Old Dog]

oad, I had a bad day today too. It took all my strength not to start crying in the staff canteen. Luckily for me I have a good friend at work who helped me, but I still felt down all day ... until I got on my bike to cycle home. It was then I listened to a podcast about mindfulness by Oli Doyle (other pod casters are available :-).

It's all about living in the present. It's very relaxing, for me anyway, and I now feel as though I may get through this. Maybe give it a try.

Chin up xxx

[oad]

odsnt...I will give it a try..thanks for sharing. they where not kidding when they said this will be a rollercoaster of emmotions..lol

[T-boned]

Hey, Oad, it happens to all of us. I've been at this for about 10 months and I still have bad days. Cried last night because I miss my husband, the one that I knew, and because he is in Spain for a month. Don;t know who he went with . . doesn't matter ...but I missed the fun we had traveling together.

I had a few bad days last week - every week I have bad days, sometimes its all day, others its only for a few minutes or hours. Sometimes I can get myself out of it by distracting myself with something else to do like yard work or a good fiction book.

Speaking of books, I have one for ya, it's called Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Drs. Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. You'll wonder if they were hiding behind the walls in your house.

Really good and goes well with DBing and DR despite the title.

I'm sorry, I can't remember, can you spend time with your girls whenever you want? If so, spend as much time with them as you can. They'll make you happy and will hug you alot. I think you need some hugs. I guarantee you they miss their daddy.

Hang in there, ,my friend. ((Hug))

[T-boned]

And if you can, just work on being the best dad you can be to those girls, and the heck with your wife right now. You might just kill trwo birds with one stone - nothing more attractive than a good dad! Enjoy your life with them. That might help bring a little joy to your life.

[oad]

thank you T-boned...you've been one heck of support...hugs to you as well.

I just got back from dropping the kids off, wife asked if I wanted a beer in the back patio where we used to talk. I said yes and she started talking to me about her job and how stressed she is. I just listened. She did test me a little by making a comment that it must be nice for me to be going out to friends houses, that she is always stuck at home with the girls.(wich is not true at all, I get them like 3 to 4 x a week). I just listened didn't say a word (normally I would have told her that I do have the kids a lot and we probably would have fought). She then asked how my job was going, I couldn't lie to her so I told her I got laid off and that I had about 3 months of income saved. She then seemed very fidgety and looked like she was raging inside or about to cry, not sure which one. So I told her are you ok? you can talk to me....she then said that she has so much stress and financially she is doing horrible but then she threw in that she is fine and she can do this. Everything was very calm..no fights. She seemed conftrable at times then kind of awkward at others.

I figured if I wait until she stops fighting we will never have another good convo again. So I decided to change the way I approach things and just listen to her and talk calmly. I read it in the book. Stop doing what doesn't work. lets see what the next time brings.

[Ben2010]

She did test me a little by making a comment that it must be nice for me to be going out to friends houses, that she is always stuck at home with the girls.(

I wouldve said "yes actually it has been kind of refreshing."

What do you think her inner reaction was to you losing your job? I know that its mind reading but you know her. Sounds to me like it could be a hinderance in getting back together.