When we had the 3-day break up when we were dating I read Men Are From Mars because I felt like I didn't understand him. He had been telling me before that incident the times when he wanted space and though I heard him I really didn't understand what he meant, how much he wanted, what space meant to him... I started feeling really insecure in the relationship and that was part of why that incident escalated to a break up.
After I read the book I felt like I understood better, so when we got back together I told him I felt like I understood better what he'd been trying to ask for and that I wanted to have better balance in our relationship. That was how we got back together.
It didn't occur to me at the time that the "balance" had all swung the other way. It took afew years for me to realize how often he dodges the things I'd like him to do -- the number of family weddings on my side he's dodged, for instance, just because he'd rather not go. (Or that's how i felt because i don't get much explanation) So although I had always thought of that incident as something about myself that needed fixing, there really were two sides to it and only one side got dealt with (not mine).
The things that drove us apart more recently aren't ONLY my faults. Some of them are, and I'm working on them here and in real life. Some of them are circumstances, though, or things, like the rental house that was too small, that he left to my judgment that in retrospect I think he would have done differently if he had chosen to make time to participate in the decision. Those things I can not solve for. I think he could develop better skills for participating in our life together rather than being so passive and conflict avoidant, learn to be a little more generous with his communications, and it would solve a lot of our problems. But I'm not sure he sees that part or even sees it as something that is not hard-wired but is improve able.
Some of that sentence that you quoted was passive-aggressive and angry so not worth my trying to explain. I was just acting out. (The I don't think he thinks I'm worth it part. But considering he had an affair and I don't know if he's still hung up on her, that he's moving into his apartment this week and has said he doesn't love me, I can be excused for thinking he might not think I'm worth that kind of effort?...)
He truly is extraordinarily difficult to communicate with. He doesn't like to be detailed. When he gets detailed he gets so overwhelmed by too many possibilities and shuts down. If he doesn't understand EXACTLY what something means he won't engage about it. The two MCs we saw both found him challenging for that reason (though the 2nd one did better about drawing him out of it). He doesn't like to look into the future so it has always been difficult to make plans or long-term goals with him, so there has been a certain insecurity in not understanding what we were ever working towards. If we disagreed about something it was either his way or my way because he has a hard time explaining which Part of a plan he objects to or agrees with. The longer we've lived that way the harder it is for me to not adopt those poor skills too. In fairness.
He has been sort of reaching out to me, ish, in the last week, encouraging me to contact him if I want to. I haven't, except for kid stuff, and to be just friendly enough that he can't think I'm angry with him. I don't know how to act around him so I'm making it a 180 that I don't force that particular issue and I leave lots and lots of space for him to drive the bus if he wants to.
Help me, labug, you're my only hope.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
