But you have been going over and over it here, trying to find a way to "fix" it.
IT'S THE SAME THING.
You're fixated on this in a way that doesn't seem good for you, for her, or for your marriage.
I'm not saying you don't love her, not at all.
What I am trying to do is to get you to think about what that love REALLY MEANS and how it can be EXPRESSED if you have to put your sex life on hold.
(NOTE: I did NOT say, "Like like a Monk." Though from what I've read, some of those Monks found a workaround too.)
But I feel like I'm swimming upstream.
Every time advice or suggestions are offered, you find a way to explain them away or justify/defend how you're going about it.
Think about this ^^^ and look within.
Maybe this is not all about "fixing" her and your sex life, know what I mean? I keep hearing about you and how neglected you feel and how hard it is for you. I am going to read back and see how many references I can find that talk about how hard this might be FOR HER.
(Meanwhile, just because you "go through" menopause, doesn't mean that the symptoms and changes are not ongoing.) Do yourself a favor and read about it more.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you're just not hearing us.
I agree that not being able to share a great love life with your W is painful, and you do NOT have to accept a sexless marriage.
But right now the best thing you can do is do some serious soul-searching on your part.
What is a "Marriage" really?
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Stop focusing so much on her, what you want her to do, and how you can get her to do it. It's all DBing anyway. WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT OUR SPOUSES DO!
The less we stop trying to manipulate them and the situation, the sooner things will make themselves clear.
---GG
PS: BTW, six/eight/twelve weeks does NOT a "sexless marriage" make. (And as I recall, you had an encounter with her recently. I guess that didn't count?)
And since you haven't actually GONE six months without sexual contact, I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Even if you do, that's still not the end of the road.
Sh*t happens. Sometimes in a marriage, sex gets put on hold for a whole bunch of reasons. No one ever died from it yet, especially if they have the love and affection and commitment from their spouse, which is something MOST of us here DO NOT. In addition to no sex. FOR YEARS. Yup.
Sheesh.
Yes, because I thought it was something that could be fixed or changed, albeit after listening to Michele and reading her books.
Then I came here and the advice I get is don't change it, wait 6 months then either you'll be ok with a sexless marriage or you should leave your wife you selfish creep.
Quote:
think about what that love REALLY MEANS and how it can be EXPRESSED if you have to put your sex life on hold.
I've done that. I do that. I LIKE doing that.
I also LIKE sex. It still feels like an allegation that my wife's needs aren't being met, or that my needs simply aren't as important, regardless of whether or not my wife's needs are being me to any degree including in abundance?
I'm not trying to be confrontational but I think that's how it's being taken, that's all. I just don't understand the logic. Michele says it's ok to want to have sex, but I don't want a sexless marriage no matter how much my wife and I love each other.
You keep saying how hard this must be for her.
I want you to listen to this part very closely. I'm afraid the assumption will still be that something is "missing" and I'm doing something inherently wrong, but I'll try anyway; my wife is happy.
I know, I know, OF COURSE I can't say that. And I even understand that I can't expect anyone to believe it when she says it to me or in the ways we show it to each other. With that said, when you ask if I can imagine "how hard this must be FOR HER," I feel compelled to ask you to at least try to consider IT'S NOT HARD FOR HER. I think she thinks I just got over it, like the advice makes it sound here (go weeks/months/years without your need {sex} and without bringing it up) because I don't show that I want anything and I haven't stopped meeting her needs, spending time with her, listening, and putting my needs in the closet for now again.
It's not hard for her because on her end everything seems cool and on my end I'm not telling her anything about sex because everyone says not to. She doesn't know this is a problem for me because I don't tell her or ask her for sex. She won't know this is a problem because I need to wait another six months before even thinking about mentioning it again.
It would be hard for her if I resented her, or acted any differently, or begged her for sex, or if we were having sex but she didn't think I was being passionate enough, or if I was ignoring her needs, or if I was being clingy, or if I didn't have my own life and friends and hobbies, or anything else I read from anyone else here and in books, etc.
I've read about menopause. I've talked to my wife. I've talked to doctors. You can't hide hot flashes, but it feels like nobody can imagine my wife isn't going through crazy changes despite not being in menopause. Either she's outright lying to me AND I'm blind to it or I'm at least partially right. Again, I don't mean to be confrontational, it just feels like I keep getting told the only answer is I'm wrong about her changes.
And it all ends with "wait six months" again. I don't get it. That just stinks. It doesn't feel like it's the answer because I can't imagine not fulfilling any one of my wife's needs for six months and her NOT CARING about that. Then again, my wife wouldn't want that to happen to me if she knew, just as I wouldn't either with any of her needs. Isn't that the point? She wants to know, but does she really?
It feels like the ultimate catch 22---------I can't talk to her about it because then that makes "pressure" to meet a need only I have, and I can't hope to be ok with a sexless marriage because I can't PERMANENTLY take away my desire to have sex with my wife (I've DRAMATICALLY reduced my sex drive, believe it or not, as a result of not wanting to pressure my wife to have sex just because I want to have sex).
So six months. K. I guess I'll try that and hope for the best.
