My not 'initiating' communication and delaying my reponses to his seems to have backfired a bit. Thought I was doing well but H seems to interpret this as my not really caring and that he is not needed by me
I have the same problem. You can still validate, be friendly, happy, and compassionate without seeming needy or clingy. You just be the cool chick he'd like to be around. You enjoy his company, in small doses, when he is on his best behavior. You do not seek him out or stroke his ego. After all--he's been cheating on you! He knows he's a heel. What kind of woman keeps telling him what a great guy he is "deep down" while he's tromping all over your heart?
the more happy I seem the more he seems to think that it ok for him to have an OW and to 'enjoy' his life as I 'seem' to be enjoying mine.
You don't know this. I don't think he needs an "excuse" to act the way he's acting. If you were acting helpless and miserable, would that bring him back? If he sees you happy and moving on, he may use this as justification for his actions, but you can bet he'll notice. But it's more to be happy FOR YOU, and a HAPPY YOU makes you more desirable as a partner.
I think I have pushed him back towards the OW, he had stayed away from her while I was validating him and sending him messages of encouragement and initiating contact without expectation of a reply.
This is not within your power to do. He makes his own decisions, and you validating at the wrong time and in the wrong way is not likely to cause him to cheat. Sending him messages and keeping in touch does do one thing though, it lets him know that YOU ARE STILL THERE. Like a little kid in the playground who always checks to see if Mommy is nearby before he attempts the monkey bars, you are giving him a safe base from which to operate.
As long as he knows he can count on you to be there no matter what, he will feel confident in his "explorations".
Just picture that same kid on the monkey bars when he checks and sees---Mommy isn't there watching him! Does he still feel "safe and secure"? Not on your life.
Same deal.
So--take it from me, I've been learning this the hard way. Don't send messages of encouragement, don't initiate too much. If you do, make it non-emotional, just business as needed. My H saw it as me trying to "help and support him" but he doesn't want that from me. I get it. He has treated me terribly, and now I want to be "nice" to him? I think it comes off really strange.
Best to look for REAL POSITIVE ACTIONS that he does, and validate those with sincere, (understated but clear) appreciation. He doesn't need to be validated for who his is-- a formerly wonderful H, a loving father. UNLESS he is actively doing those things that make him one RIGHT NOW, and that you can latch onto in order to give him positive feedback.
The fact is, right NOW he's probably not being the perfect dad and certainly not the perfect H. He shouldn't be praised for merely existing, or have his hand held for having "problems".
I agree that insecure men need to feel appreciated and safe. They need to have their egos stroked to feel good about themselves. And we as wives can do this. But we should ONLY be doing it when their actions warrant it. PRAISE HIM for anything good he's doing. Make sure to recognize it, let him know--without gushing, just to the point--how much you appreciated when he DID X/Y/Z. It may be something really small, but notice it and give him feedback.
I have no expectations but think I have enabled him to be 'stuck' . Sorry. I wish it were up to you but it's not. If he's stuck, he's stuck. And he'll STAY stuck until realizes it, wants to get unstuck, and figures out how to do that. I don't think you can help him with this.
Maybe she is what he needs and I am not.
That right there is where I would bring out my first dreaded 2 x 4 if I had one, sonas!!!!
Right now he may think exactly that. Or not. The whole POINT of the OW is that she is fantasy! A wife and kids are reality. He will tailor this fantasy to make it work for him as long as he can.
But YOU...don't you go there, or I'm going to the hardware store to get me a big ol' 2 x 4 and see if I can cram it into this laptop in case I hear more of that talk....!
Write a list of all your best qualities as a PERSON-- not a "wife"--- and post them here.
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?