I don't think Adinva meant that you should stop "wanting" it for six months. That ain't gonna happen!
I think what she meant was---and I agree--- all the things you're doing to "fix" it HAVE NOT HELPED.
You don't even know what the problem IS.
You're very fixated on your own needs, no matter what.
Now it sounds like you're ready to hang it up based on PURE SPECULATION on your part.
The fact is, you have NO IDEA what your wife is really thinking or going through.
And until you calm down enough to allow her to open up to you, YOU ARE MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE.
If you want to believe you're "not meant to be together" because your wife is going through something and you guess that it was just "getting married" that broke your awesome sex life prior, then go ahead and base your actions on that.
I'm pretty sure you'll regret that one.
That is, if you really love your WIFE, not just what she does for you or how she makes you feel..
--GG
But I haven't done anything to "fix" it.
You have to understand, I brought it up once. ONCE. After feeling so incredibly lonely and losing sleep every night for weeks.
In the meantime, everything I was doing right as a partner I've been reaffirmed or adjusted to be even better at thanks to the books I've been reading and my own therapy.
I don't understand. I'm not "fixated" on my own needs so much as I come here for support and advice for the one need that is incredibly important to me that I can't talk to my wife about because she doesn't want it and feels "pressured" when I did bring it up once. I mean, I don't understand the logic--------forget my needs? I CAN'T stop wanting sex. I wish I could.
But that seems inherently unfair. After all, I'm not stopping doing my part to meet her needs, even exceeding them. I'm not a jerk about MY NEEDS not being met, but I have to accept that marriage isn't 50-50 and keep being nice about it? Is Michele really that wrong about people wanting to have sex with a partner who had plenty of sex before they married?
I don't think it's fair to say I have "NO IDEA" what my wife is going through. We talk about it, and she's seen doctors, and I at least have SOME idea what she's going through.
We were out this weekend, again out past 3 AM which she finds the energy for when she wants to "party," and a friend of ours, a psychologist no less, is going through menopause. She was having hot flashes. We talked about what it's like and how it affects her and how long it's been going on. To say that my wife doesn't experience any of the symptoms of menopause (as a result of already having gone through it) has to mean I have at least some idea about what my wife is or isn't going through.
And meanwhile, what am I going through? I keep hearing my needs don't matter, that's all it sounds like. I can't imagine anyone ever asking any one of my wife's needs to "wait for six months because you love him anyway," know what I mean?
I DO love my wife. And not being wanted to have sex HURTS. It hurts. It [censored]. Six months of being happy without sex and suppressing my needs for sex (and praying every night I don't have another wet dream) sounds like changing the marriage to a permanently sexless marriage. After all, what happens if I bring up sex in six months? That's a very long time----I can't imagine the pressure that would put on her just to bring it up. "Hey honey, Christmas is almost here, remember how I like sex and promised not to have sex with anyone else ever again? Our first anniversary was 12 weeks ago but I waited this long to ask anyway."
I'm frustrated. I come here, ONLY here, to talk about my wanting to have sex with my wife. I DO NOT let it affect my actions at home. If nothing else this place is my outlet so that I don't have to worry about doing any/all of the things I know NOT to do from Michele's books, like be resentful or mean or stop doing all the good things I do just because I feel unwanted as a result of my wife losing sexual interest in me. When people say I need to calm down or I'm making it worse at home, not only do I have to disagree, but I feel compelled to explain that my wife would argue our marriage has gotten BETTER in the last 8 weeks because of my actions, not worse. Try to think of it that way, then try to understand my position.
Again, I can't do anything, that's what it feels like. I have to supress my desires and put on a happy face. I can do that. But six months? That makes it sound like I'm agreeing to getting used to a completely sexless marriage. I wish I could say I can make myself not want to have sex with my wife, but not only do I think that's not possible, I don't even think that's healthy.
Then again, feeling alone and rejected for another six months isn't healthy, either.
Listen, I've gotten better about not feeling so rejected by a sexless marriage. It's true, believe it or not. I don't stay up the entire night worrying about how painful it is. And it's only been 3 months. After 9 months of working on it like I have been, won't I just be conditioning myself to abandon my wants and needs? Is there any point where I am ok to ask for my needs to be considered? What if that need was going to church every week? I'm sure asking my wife to church would make her feel pressured because she doesn't want to go, but I don't know how selfish people would see me as for that versus my passion to be physical with this gorgeous woman who was so physical for so long until all of a sudden it stopped.
My wife makes me feel good, to answer your question. But sex is healthy. It's good for you. I want it. I'm the only LTR she's turned down for it and that exascerbates the pain of it vanishing after marriage, only I keep it completely inside and only even think about it when I'm here writing. It's not wrong for me to want a sex life any more than it would be wrong for my wife to want flowers once in a while or a hug every day before leaving for work or a husband to cook and clean.
