Last night H wanted to talk about the R. First, he immediately apologized for being off the past day or so. He said that he was reacting to me seeming to cool off. He said that he was scared of what I might be thinking and it reminded him of our disconnection/distance pre-A. He said he understood that he is going to have to be able to tolerate days like that from me, especially given what he has done and he would make sure to work on talking to me in the future rather than pulling away.
Then he said he wanted to come home. I told him that he has done a lot of damage and has quite a mess to clean up. He cried and said that he knew it and would do whatever it takes. I told him that he can’t come home unless he is 100% committed to the marriage and would do whatever it takes to make things better. It’s not fair to me and especially not fair to the kids to keep going back and forth, I won’t tolerate it again. He cried some more and said he knew and he would. He said that there is no excuse for the A but that he’s scared we will slide back into old habits and the M would become unhappy for him again. I validated and told him I would do my part to ensure that does not happen but that ultimately we BOTH have to be ‘in it to win it’. He agreed. We talked about MCing, we had a MC originally when this all came out, not sure if we will go back to him or find someone else. We are going to do some research.
I ended the convo saying that I thought we probably needed a bit more time apart and to think about things, that we shouldn’t rush anything.
So that’s the latest.
Well done, mdu -- PERFECT. THAT is how you lovingly state strong boundaries, and the way you ended it was pitch-perfect.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Congrats on how you handled yourself and having the patience to see it through
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I think that's an excellent idea. My wife and I went; it's DRAINING, but it's exceptional for learning to communicate with your spouse about controversial (even painful) topics. Since my wife and I are both classic "avoiders," it was very good for us.
You handled it like a cool, calm woman who knows what she can and can't live with.
I'm so glad he responded the way he did and is willing to work things out with you.
That's what we all hope for!
Also great for taking some time to mull it over on both ends.
No reason to rush into anything; you want to make sure you both know what this will really take.
I know from reading here that there will be lots of hills and valleys after this, but you seem up to the challenge.
Good for you! I'm pulling for you, mdu!
---GG
PS: I KNOW your name is not "mud", it's this darn auto-correct. Three times back trying to edit it....Grrrrrrr.....
Still don't know what "mdu" stands for. I guess I'm the curious type. Care to share?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Attagirl, MDU!!!!!! This calls for high-fives around here. Hey, drinks are on me at St. Elmo's Fire bar. I especially liked when you stated that you wish to stay separated for a while...a smart move for a smart cookie like you!
I do think Retrouville would be timely for you and H as he's asked what it would take for him to get back into the M. As for MC, I'd do research to check out they're solution-based and grounded in Gottman theories.
So happy for you Mdu, love the way you were calm cool and collected with your comments at the end. Sending good thoughts you way. Keep up the great work!
GG, mdu is nothing at all interesting or special, I am not at all a creative type!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So now that it appears we are approaching the next phase in this process I must say I am quite scared given how often I've read piecing is TOUGHER than DBing. I feel like I've barely survived to this point..
Retrouvaille closest to us is not until September. So we need to get from now until then.
I'm trying to think through when I will know it's ok to let him move back in. I think I will have some anxiety no matter what.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I especially liked when you stated that you wish to stay separated for a while...a smart move for a smart cookie like you!