It sounds to me that your saying is that everything truly is all my fault?
I don't understand your questioning. I was just stating the past events that W brought up after the bomb drop plus a few of my thought patterns. I do take my faults upon myself and am getting help. I have sought IC and support groups in the past and now. I have gotten better from past help too which is why I'm not in much of those states anymore. She has brought up stuff from way back was my point. Much of this I have worked on and still do today.
I guess after reading your critique I should not try to save my marriage; I see that now.
For the sake of trying to fix myself, I'll try to answer some of these questions.
*I don't understand myself why I asked those questions. Insecurity I suppose.
*After first A we sought couples and individual counsel from the pastor at the church. A few months later we attended a weekend marriage seminar. After that it was swept under the rug.
*For what it's worth, she brought some videos to bed too. For those with a problem, that's like giving a drink to a non practicing alcoholic. Yes, I see where I could have used some boundaries here but didn't.
*We have been attending church weekly since A#1 with few exceptions. Still do.
*Never forced. Coerced probably.
*All discussions have stopped since she moved out a month ago. There had been a few passing talks but no real communication.
*Self loathing and guilt let to both suicide thoughts. I should not have used the word attempt as I never put into action my thoughts. We did talk about my getting checked out at the hospital one day but she said she would not hold it against me in the divorce or with the kids if I signed something saying her leaving was not abandoning the kids. I decided no to go. After she moved out, I was able to get at least 4-5 hours of sleep per night and not the 2 hours each night that I had been getting for weeks. This stopped thoughts of suicide.
*To clear the air about the niece; W never knew about my uncomfort until she said the stuff about "if we had girls". It brought back a memory I had long forgotten. I would rough-house with the kids at family parties. This one older niece would always want to join in. It made me uncomfortable because she was older and developing. I put a lot of distance between her and I since. After I got more of a handle on my addiction I allowed a little more closeness as I no longer had any fear of my actions. This was after attending church and choosing for follow the teachings.
I am trying to learn that her actions and thoughts are not my responsibility. She had blamed me for her unhappiness and the affair which I understand is typical WAW stuff. With help from friends, pastor and IC plus the reading I'm doing is helping though slowly.
