Sex was a 180 for us. MWD acknowledges in her books that sex can be a valid path toward healing for many couples. So, yeah, we were having sex for a change. H stayed over a lot, we spent a lot of time together, did new things, went new places. We were basically dating, which we'd never done before we started living together. H had said at times that he needed to ease into things if we were going to get back together and have the changes last. But I'm pretty checked out at this point. It took him three and a half years to propose. I've been doing this separation for 3 years, 3 months.
We haven't really been having a lot of sex for the past year and none for a few months now because I really felt like it wasn't making a difference anymore and didn't want to let him just eat ALL the cake. I still don't really know what effect if any that change has had....
As for me, I've done a lot of crap to turn this around and even more to work on me. I'd always taken my own personal growth seriously. It's been important in overcoming the abuse I suffered as a child and coping with becoming a mother as a teenager instead of ending up at Duke. But since my H walked out, I've been in IC for over three years and have never missed an appointment. I've gone back on the only medication that helps with my seasonal depression - which I was not taking for years because it causes seizures and I am an epileptic. So, I'm literally risking my life to try and make things better. (I wouldn't have this seasonal depression at all if I moved back to Florida but I've stayed in the Pacific NW - where the "season" is 8 or more months long - to try and save my marriage.) I've tried more than five different birth control pills in the last couple years alone because everyone I'd tried over the years made me anxious at various points in my cycle which was causing a lot of problems in my M. (I have a latex allergy and so finding a good pill is important for us.) I've read over 40 books on marriage, divorce, assertiveness, overcoming fear/doubt/anxiety, communication, coping with being an HSP, dealing with difficult/dissociative/alcoholic/anxious-attachment-style spouses, books for men about overcoming being victims of pedophilia and abuse as children (my H is a survivor), understanding hoarders (my mother-in-law is a really bad hoarder and it's had a significant impact on my H), helping children through divorce and separation, mindfulness, on and on and on. I've worked on my educational goals. I went through some training in anticipation of re-entering the workforce but with the arrival of our DD, our plans have changed. Even still, I've tried to become more independent. Gone from being a bit of a shut in SAHM to participating in lots of groups and activities through meetup.com and my community center. I've remade my spending habits, organizational habits, and other things that were annoying to my spouse and weren't making me happy either. I've lost 50 lbs and take much better care of myself now. I'm a published poet but had been neglecting my art for a while so I started taking my writing more seriously, went to a great writer's retreat, joined a writer's group, and am very seriously working on a novel right now. All while going through intense work with a chiropractor and recovering from a very serious concussion I suffered in a car accident right after my H left. My brain still isn't the same and probably never will be. But I manage to take care of my S14 and my DD who's nearly 2 without much in the way of help from anyone. I'm taking online classes and will be transferring to university in spring to complete a BA in sociocultural anthropology with a minor in psychology followed by an MA in counseling psychology. Those are my goals right now. That and finishing my novel.
I've worked really hard to be a supportive co-parent and friend without counting on him to help me with the kids or things that need doing. I've extended that friendship and kindness to his friends and am on good terms with many of them. When not focusing on improving my own situation, I've worked really hard to show my love and devotion through actions, since my H is almost exclusively an acts of service LL. I even emptied a gigantic storage unit of our stuff without his help... while pregnant... in summer... because it needed doing and he hadn't been willing to help me with it over the years. I made sure to carefully repack all of his things in separate, carefully labeled boxes because he said he wanted to have his own place for a while and I wanted to make sure that he knew that I was being supportive. I was ok with him doing that for a while because he had NEVER lived without either his parents, his pedophile ex-girlfriend, or me. So, I supported his need to try that for a while and worked to maintain a close, intimate relationship between us despite living in separate homes. I even purchased the things he would need to have our DD and S14 spend time with him at his place. All along, I've made it extremely clear what my hopes were for us and have not been given indications from my H that those were out of the question or undesirable, simply that he wasn't quite ready to move back in together. All of this patience and understanding was a bit of a 180 for me since I tended to be impatient, crowding, and a bit bossy in the past. So, I decided to try letting my very introverted, anxious, awkward H have a little more space. I've done the work, it just hasn't turned out well.
But the fact remains that my H is highly dysfunctional, drinks too much, and hasn't sought help for his depression - which he admits is a problem and played a big part in his leaving. His depression has led him to be abusive over the years, not bad enough that anyone would scream that I should run to the nearest women's shelter, but enough that life was miserable. So, I'm not capable of turning this around on my own. My H and I have been very good friends since we were teenagers. He's a survivor of some pretty awful things. So am I. I understand why he's depressed. We were working together on this before he left. But he wasn't getting along with his therapist. He promised to find another one but never did. I cannot save my M without him being willing to do some work, too. So now that I'm up against a wall on time and finances, I finally gave him an ultimatum, yeah.
I've only stayed this long because things were going really, really well before we got pregnant. H did not want our DD - he wanted me to get an abortion. I told him to go f--k himself. It was unplanned but there was no way I was going to get an abortion and we did not have a good time for the first few months. H eventually came around to the idea - he had, after all, said he wanted a baby just three weeks before he left. He fell in love with our little girl and he was trying to piece at one point but with the new mommy exhaustion, I missed it entirely. That didn't go over terribly well. After that shake up subsided, we started doing really well again. So I've only stayed because it looked like we were getting closer to getting back together. But at this point, I'm out of time to wait and see if things are going to work out and if he doesn't know what he wants by now, he never will anyway, so...
H and I talked on Friday. He said he wishes we could be the sweet, goofy kids we were when we started all this, he wants us to be happy, and he's willing to go to counseling to find out if that's possible for us. That's great, I suppose. But I'm having problems with not getting a solid answer on living situations though. I really need to get on with my life and I need to know if he intends to make it possible for me to do that here or not. I can't - and we can't afford - for me to stay here if we aren't living together. And he knows that. We were ALWAYS supposed to move back down south - my kids are the only grandkids my parents will have, my sister is infertile and misses her niece and nephew terribly and they're all in Florida. I'm not staying here for his stinking career without a real M. I've made a decade of sacrifices for him. That's it. I moved to a tiny, cheap apartment to try and make things more sustainable but H blows money like it's going out of style. I'm fed up. I can't get a good night's sleep because I share a room with a toddler and he thinks he gets to blow money at the pub watching soccer with his friend? BS.
Our separation has dragged on so long that now we're in role reversal. I love him dearly... but I've stopped caring terribly much about our M. I just want a life. But he says he's willing to go talk to someone and wants to see if it's possible for us to be happy. So, hopefully I can get us in for a MC session before I have to give notice at my apartment.
