prayers please

[Starsky309]

The only way IC works, in my view, is if you walk in and say "I accept that I have problem X, I know it's negatively impacting the people around me, and I want you to help me develop and implement a plan to fix this problem."

Anything short of that will only give him the excuse to say "I tried."

So demanding IC for him isn't what you want. He can fake his way through that.

What you want is him to recognize that he has a problem, and that he cares enough about you to want to fix it.

From all indications, that is going to be a very tall order for your H. He doesn't seem that connected with the consequences of his actions beyond himself. Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to recognize their flaws, let alone take responsibility for them.

Accepting anything less on your part though is just setting unrealistic expectations, and we know disappointment follows that.

This ^^^ is WISDOM.

[twinmom]

I told him that he needs to move out, that he has issues he needs to work through on his own before I even THINK about delaying the divorce much less there be a chance for anything between us.
I told him that once he realizes his issues a good ic would be beneficial.

[zew]

Bravo, twinmom. That is self respect. Doesn't that feel GREAT!

[Maybell]

Way to go. I'm sure it's hard to face that but you did the right thing. Hugs to you!

[Train]

High five, twin!

YOU will be okay, mama. Trust that.

[GoatGal]

Wisdom from zew... ^^^^

(Is there a place we we can start a "BEST OF" quotes/posts that appear on this board?
There are so many wonderful things being said, and although I cut and save the ones I find, it's too hard to keep up with them all. )

I have read your thread, twinmom.

You have my utmost respect and my support as well.
I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

---GG

[25yearsmlc]

Bravo, twinmom. That is self respect. Doesn't that feel GREAT!

Much as I hope it does feel great, something tells me Twin, that YOU do not feel great. I think you are terrified of being divorced with 5 kids, and I DO understand that. (I swear I do).

But imo, there is a much worse scenario...staying with this man as he is now. Or anywhere near what he's like now. He's a terrible example for your sons and daughters to see as a man/mate. Don't let this cycle repeat.

What evidence is there that he's willing OR able to change? iS there any?

Twin, him SAYING he wants to "slow down the divorce", is hardly a serious commitment to deep personal reflection, coupled with courageously facing of one's character flaws...and then making the needed changes.

I cannot imagine even trying to reconcile with him in the next year.

And if his pattern continues (why wouldn't it?) that is far too long for him to not have a woman on his arm. Any woman...really.

So back to the first question, what evidence is there that he's willing or able to really change?

[25yearsmlc]

Run, Twinmim. Run very fast. He's a POS.

There will come a day when little Lillian will need you to reach her how Mamabear protects herself and her cubs. You may as well learn to start now.

Starsky

YES...and from a legal perspective, what advantages are there to staying with him? If adultery is a ground for divorce in your state, then taking him back means 'condonation" and you'd have to catch him again cheating to use it. Not that you should use that but I DO believe in knowing your legal rights.

For now I would not forget the text messages about your bad mothering, and how you trapped HIM with the pregnancy, etc.

Twin, I preach forgiveness a lot around here. I don't know how to stay married without each partner doing a lot of it. And in time, there would be some "amnesia" exercises for you two to really reconcile.

But there are times when too much water has gone under the bridge and then, I'm not saying you cannot or must not forgive...but I DO SAY

that a heck of a lot of work on his end, needs to be done and over enough time, --- before I'd THINK of reconciling.

For now, accept all the child care help you can get from him, and all the child support too. That belongs to the kids...

but also give yourself 5 MINUTES to think about the types of things you would really need from him to earn back the trust, and how long that effort would take,

Now, can you honestly see him even trying to do those^^? Won't he take the path of least resistance?

I think he has a pattern that shows he prefers starting fresh every time a relationship takes work. And ALL relationships take work.

Your h reminds me of someone who prefers getting a new car, instead of learning how to change the spark plugs and oil in the car he was driving...and never learning what the blinking red lights mean...

Just my .02

Twin, Big hugs to you, and your babies.

[figgeroni]

spot on 25

I was married to a bad bad man. He cheated on me several times (which I didn't know about until much later) I was the OW in his marriage (which I also did not know about until I divorced him)

I loved him...or rather...who he said he was. I was in love with who he said he was and who I wanted him to be

The actual toad he is, was much different than the person I thought he was.

I believed I deserved it
that I must suck hardcore

he even tried to move his OW into our house with us (telling me she was a battered woman...well...girl, she was so young)

and when his world came crashing down and mine did not, boy did he try calling me back and sweet talking me

but

I had worked on me
and I knew I was worth so much more
I was
strong
beautiful
smart
courageous
caring
loving
and so far above the person I was that "needed" him

I was whole, all on my own

I felt like a failure in the beginning...He was my 2nd marriage, I felt like he defined masculinity to me and he was so unwilling to work on things with me...he called me ugly and stupid and old (he was older, by the way) He preyed on all my insecurities

And...when he called me, after a year and was saying how wrong he was and how he had made a mistake and how he wanted me back and how he would do anything...that I was his soul mate and completed him...I only hesitated for a second

long enough for me to inhale and exhale before I told him absolutely not and to lose my number

I didn't engage in any asking why...why he cheated, why he lied to everyone and told them I was cheating on him, why he lied about everything...

Because his whys had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him

he doesn't cheat because of you
he cheats because of him

and if he lies to you about cheating, what makes you think he would really go to counseling for her? He is a liar

You need to remember that you are more than his lies...you are more than that...what would you say to your daughter if she came to you in the same situation? What would you say to your sons? What kind of men do you want them to be?

[Train]

Listen to this ^^^.

That's an invaluable voice of experience.

My 1st H (my big girls' dad) was also a POS. At 20 years old with two kids, I thought my life and "love life" were over when he left me high and dry. Fig's words literally just brought me to tears. (Thank you for sharing that part of your life, fig.)

twin, listen to these people. I know you are hurting so badly right now. You must feel so lost and alone and confused.

But you are better and stronger than you know right now. You proved that today. Hang tight, knowing the best is yet to come for you and your sweet babies.

You're a remarkable mom, and you're doing what goes against YOUR current feelings for what you KNOW is in their greater good. People don't find a better momma than that.

Thinking of you often and much ...