Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

"She says I lack, the passion, initiative, motivation, nurturing, drive and pro-activity that she posses."

Is she right?

To a certain extent, yes. Not as much as she does, but then again it does and has existed.

"I am steady, stable, not given to hysterics but I do fly off the handle sometimes, raging and cursing. I inherited this from my father, she saw it in him and abhors it in me. I’m not too proud of it either."

Don't blame your father. YOU have a choice to do it or not. There are many behaviors that I'm sure you didn't "inherit".

W brought this up actually, as something I'm not to pass onto our kids. It doesn't happen often and it's never directed at people, but I accept it wouod be scary and is pretty stupid.

"In the past, she was prepared to put up with me as she was also deficient in ways and appreciated the loyalty and stability that she never had at home."

Could you elaborate? And what do you mean she was also "deficient". Was this her word?

Deficient was my word. Her elder bother was the apple of her mother's eye. He could do no wrong, passed all his exams, got into Cambridge. It caused major ructions between her parents. W & her S could never live up to her expectations. All her mother's the love went to her brother.

"When we first met, my job took me away for weeks on end several times a year and she would cry and beg me not to go, but I had to, it was my job. She understood, but hated it when I left."

When did she stop complaining? That's when your M problem began.

I don't know, it must be around 18 years ago now. I quit in 1996. After a while I think she reconciled that I wasn't leaving her and I would be back.

"Eventually I quit that job and she started training to be a counsellor."

What kind of counsellor?

Therapy counselling. I don't know the branch. It was part time while she was working.

"After about a year, she says she stopped because she realised that she would be moving on whilst I wasn’t and we would split. She didn’t tell me this at the time, only recently."

When did she first think about splitting?

In the very first years. I'd been dumped, was in a state of depression, went to TA counselling and wasn't sure whether I wanted another relationship. On our first date, apparently I'd shaved my head! I don't recall it was the first date, but she remembers. She did well to even continue.

"We carried on, bought a house, had kids, moved a couple of times. About 4-5 years ago, we were stuck in a rut."

WAit, she thought about leaving before all this?

Yes, because I'm not in touch with my emotions. And am not pro-active. She said 'one day this will not be enough'.

"We went to MC."

You need to elaborate on this. Obviously you two knew something was wrong. What was discussed? How long did you go? What were her complaints? Etc.

Same problem. Only a couple of months. I felt, in fact we both felt it didn't too much good. I knew my proble, but had no idea how to fix it. Just taking about it is just talk.

"Going to MC brought up the same lack of input in me. I hadn’t changed. A couple of years ago, she decided that I couldn’t or wasn’t prepared to change and she would have to get out. It has taken her 2 years to actually do it."

What did you have to change? Why didn't you change?

She's only just told me she'd been thinking about this in the past 3 weeks. She hadn't said I have to change, just the 'one day this won't be enough' line. I didn't change because I didn't know what I wasn't doing was so damaging. And because I think I have some dependent personality traits. I've only just become aware of this reading up about relationships and behaviours. I can identify with some of the self inflicted traits and they ring true with waht she says. Laziness as well.

"I have taken a back seat in the relationship which she was happy to drive in the first place, but now she wants more and it’s too late for me."

Mindreading. Why didn't you take the reins?

Not mindreading. Dependent personality. I'm not trying to shift the blame onto some disorder here. It's entirely my fault. I could have and should have but I didn't. I only have myself to blame.

"She is exhausted because all the things that happen to us are because she books it, plans it, arranges it etc."

Why didn't you?

Same as above. I said to her last week, I'd always wanted to do/plan things together. She said it suited her for most of the time as she could do what she wanted to do and I was quite happy with whatever arrangements she made.

"She is also looking after the kids 5 days a week while I work away from home. She says she thinks I’m quite happy doing this and don’t have a thing to worry about in the week, while she is always tired, but needs to carry on for the kids."

And what did you do to address her problem?

I help around the house at weekends: do the washing, make some meals, fix stuff etc which she said she appreciated. But not enough I suppose. She also said she felt guilty if she went to see a friend for the day, when I get so little time at home.

[/quote]

I thought of something else she said whenshe dropped the bomb. She showed me a website by Gerald Rogers, a motivational speaker, which listed 20 thins he wished he'd known before his marriage split after 16 years. They're all give the girl some flowers and say I love you every day things. I have always found it hard to do that. My dad didn't do that, I didn't have role model to show me. And now ... I feel so sad. Sad for her becuase I couldn't be the person she needed and for me because, well for the same reason. It just doesn't occur to me. I am not the romantic type.