Okay, I just received this email from my W. I am not sure really how to respond, and I'd love Sandi or MrBond or anybody's interpretation, if I should interpret anythjng other than my W is getting an understanding for what has caused some of our issues
Here's the email:
I know this may seem strange for me to write you like this at this time.
I feel like the last several months in particular have been a blur although in many ways so have the last several years.
You are an incredible person. You are passionate, loyal, trustworthy, committed, kind, and generous. You are an amazing father. And when I say the kids are lucky to have you as their dad, I mean it with my whole heart. I regret not being able to let you share more in their early months & years. That was a mothering philosophy of mine but also a deep unmet need of mine: I had felt so much excruciating pain not being able to count on my parents in my most vulnerable moments that I could not bear to let my own babies feel despair.
Whenever I find myself referring to you, it is with pride I have called you my husband. It took months to get used to calling you "my husband" so I imagine it will take months to not refer to you as such. I will always treasure having shared my most intimate moments with you.
I often wonder "what I am doing" and "why" am I doing it? As I'm sure you among others do as well.
It makes little sense on the outskirts. And it's not fair to you. I see that. And I am deeply sorry.
I am sorry for the unending bitterness in our relationship. The resentment that built over years. I feel like I lost myself in motherhood and wifehood. But I never had much of a "self" prior to marriage. I think I had been on a journey to finding myself around that time but any progress that I'd made was eaten up a little more after each pregnancy to the point of nearly being unrecoverable.
I think we have both really gotten to know ourselves and each other a little more throughout the last few months particularly in our sessions with IC
Now that we are both almost at a place of understanding how we got here, it does seem tragic to not "make it work." I say almost because I believe we are still learning about ourselves and each other during each session. And I believe there is merit in that as individuals and as co-parents and hopefully as friends.
I am terrified of losing you. But I feel that we are trapped in a cycle of our most wicked traits always hovering. And I am mostly referring to the feelings and behaviours of mine that I battle. Although I have wondered lately if the perfection you've felt you had to live up to with your family has been projected onto me. A me that does not have the foundation or skills to cope with such high expectations. Tragically, the feelings I battle most appear before I see you, when I'm with you, or after I've left your company. They are suffocation, anxiety, depression, despair and they lead me spiralling towards only one option. I can't say it's just the kids, or the house, or you, or life, and how we've structured it. But as scared as I am of losing you, I am more terrified of the suicidal thoughts I have. They are at times relentless.
I am not telling you that for any reason other than it is real and it is powerful and it is unbearable to live with such harmful and intrusive thoughts. And I'm sorry they've become associated with you. I know I've had them before in my life and before I knew you so even though this association is powerful now it is something I feel inside of me that I will be battling for my entire life. It is an illness. A silent illness. And probably why I so often wish for another disease. A disease that evokes compassion and sympathy. A disease where people would want to help care for you and your family. Without judgment. Where people would forgive you for not feeling up to attending an event or where they would make you a meal and take your kids out to ease the load. But mental illness does not afford that patience. And it is draining for people to try to understand it. So I will say that my anxiety, depression, irritability, and feelings of being overwhelmed are symptoms I've lived with for decades but they are now also symptoms of my marriage and my kids and my lifestyle and these symptoms need to be managed like any other illness. I will never be able to live up to your family's expectations. It has also led to my feeling of depletion and inadequacy. I know this is also not fair to you. I realize that they may seem like giving up but I see it as exercising control over one small part of my life that I have control over.
I am sorry that I can't commit to "making it work". I don't like the thought of you being with other women any more than you do. Especially ones who aren't damaged goods like me. But that also builds resentment and the mantra "it's not fair" I know you want to be with me despite my war wounds but I loathe my body. I am no longer proud of what it accomplished. And that is not fair to you either. Some part of me will hold onto the anger that my body was destroyed in the making and birthing and nursing of three big children. Your body underwent transformations only for the better. And that is not fair.
I've also come to another epiphany in the last little while. And that is since I loathe myself so much in your presence I loathe you for having loved that person. Even if it's not those qualities that you love. Obviously! But you accepting those parts of me hasn't made me overcome them, rather they surface more frequently. This might be a topic for our next session with FT
Anyhow, I am sorry for how this happened and how I've handled so much of it. You deserve so much better. And you will find it. I have no doubt. And maybe one day that person will even come to see that despite the unforgivable nature of what I've done, she is lucky to be with the person & partner it helped you become.
