Asking for "100% commitment" from your H now is probably going to be overwhelming and a deal-breaker for him..
I'm looking at the same scenario myself, so I'm trying to figure this out too!
I decided which things I could live with, and which things I couldn't.
I realized that what he was/is doing is a lot easier to tolerate, and stay "cool" about, if we are living separately, and they weren't shoved under my nose day after day. (Living with someone who is crossing the days off the calendar until he can be "rid" of me is intolerable. Likewise someone who feels they have to keep secrets, or is trying to pretend he's single, even in his mind...etc.)
For him to live here, specific things would have to change.
But for me, it is not a prerequisite that he is 100% ready to commit completely "til death do us part." Heck--I'M not even ready to do that! I am very hesitant at this point to see how he handles himself.
It would be enough for him to pull the D off the table, go transparent with calls/ whereabouts, see how we get along... NO other people, NO porn (!), being accountable, like any family member would be. If he could identify and decide to work on his "issues" even better.
He wouldn't have to be my "H" yet, or ever.
But he would have to be there, be solid, be good and decent.
Anything less than this would be hazardous to my emotional and physical well-being, and since that is my most important asset right now, I must protect it at all costs.
If he's not ready to do that yet, that's fine. He can go live elsewhere. I will have my peace... better that he lives somewhere else than he moves back and jerks me around and drives me back to the bad place I was a few months ago. I have gained too much ground to allow that to happen at this point.
That said, I suspect that my H is nowhere NEAR being ready to even give this much to me.
And that's fine. He can take his sweet time about it. Or not.
So---I don't know if this applies to you, but perhaps it does.
Like Starsky said, it's not controlling if you state your boundaries based on WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU. What you should care about most is what is good for you and your family. He is LAST on that list.
Period. He can take it or leave it.
And that's my two cents.
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
