Old dog seeks new trick

[MrBond]

"She says I lack, the passion, initiative, motivation, nurturing, drive and pro-activity that she posses."

Is she right?

"I am steady, stable, not given to hysterics but I do fly off the handle sometimes, raging and cursing. I inherited this from my father, she saw it in him and abhors it in me. I’m not too proud of it either."

Don't blame your father. YOU have a choice to do it or not. There are many behaviors that I'm sure you didn't "inherit".

"In the past, she was prepared to put up with my easy as she was also deficient in ways and appreciated the loyalty and stability that she never had at home."

Could you elaborate? And what do you mean she was also "deficient". Was this her word?

"When we first met, my job took me away for weeks on end several times a year and she would cry and beg me not to go, but I had to, it was my job. She understood, but hated it when I left."

When did she stop complaining? That's when your M problem began.

"Eventually I quit that job and she started training to be a counsellor."

What kind of counsellor?

"After about a year, she says she stopped because she realised that she would be moving on whilst I wasn’t and we would split. She didn’t tell me this at the time, only recently."

When did she first think about splitting?

"We carried on, bought a house, had kids, moved a couple of times. About 4-5 years ago, we were stuck in a rut."

WAit, she thought about leaving before all this?

"We went to MC."

You need to elaborate on this. Obviously you two knew something was wrong. What was discussed? How long did you go? What were her complaints? Etc.

"Going to MC brought up the same lack of input in me. I hadn’t changed. A couple of years ago, she decided that I couldn’t or wasn’t prepared to change and she would have to get out. It has taken her 2 years to actually do it."

What did you have to change? Why didn't you change?

"I have taken a back seat in the relationship which she was happy to drive in the first place, but now she wants more and it’s too late for me."

Mindreading. Why didn't you take the reins?

"She is exhausted because all the things that happen to us are because she books it, plans it, arranges it etc."

Why didn't you?

"She is also looking after the kids 5 days a week while I work away from home. She say she thinks I’m quite happy doing this and don’t have a thing to worry about in the week, while she is always tired, but needs to carry on for the kids."

And what did you do to address her problem?