I can see why you're feeling conflicted with advice here with vets and your DB Coach. What I've learned is that sometimes vets and DB Coaches can get things wrong. It is up to you to distill the information and take what you feel works best for your sitch. I don't necessarily always agree with what DB coaches say here.
Originally Posted By: Starsky
There's also nothing wrong with saying to him, lovingly: "I'm sorry, but I'm just not there yet. Considering all that's happened, this isn't going to be easy, and it's going to take awhile for me to fully trust you. I hope you can understand that, and be patient with me. I'm trying."
I think this is a very good time to use this line on H the next time he asks what's the matter. This opening line hopefully will signal to H that you have the upper hand in this process and that he needs to work really hard to earn your trust back over time.
Look....there are no grand gestures in the reconciliation process.
Originally Posted By: mdu
Also, I'm sure he's a little befuddled as to what more I'm expecting at this point. He's apologized multiple times, he's said he does not want us to D multiple times, the other night he said he would do 'whatever it takes' to earn back my trust. While some really, really grand gesture would b nice I'm not sure what else I should realistically expect
This isn't The Notebook movie. There are tremendous positive baby steps here. He's texting you, sending you pictures, updating you on stuff, and attending the kids' games. Those are the ACTIONS of someone who's wanting to spend time with you and his family. That's big. Focus on those stuff.
Unless you want to be rolling on a beach engaged in a passionate kiss with H with the waves rolling over you right now like Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster. Heh?!
I wouldn't lay down my boundaries at this stage because you are in the dancing pre-piecing stage. To lay out your boundaries to H would spook him. Now isn't the time to put down your non-negotiables because, based on what you post here, your H is definitely watching you and taking his cues from you. He is very tentative to me and is not yet feeling secure that you've completely accepted him. H knows this because of your hot/cold responses to him.
You do have a great deal of influence on your choice of words, general demeanor, and attitude during your interactions with. Yes, it does feel like a chess game at this stage because you are NOT YET comfortable in your own skin with H. Think about it.
You two are insecure at this stage and it shows in the pair of you showing some hot/cold behaviors. You would want to be mindful of this dance.
As for your letter, it comes close as preachy and scolding. I'd re-write it so it comes from a place of forgiveness and finding ways to move forward together that is solution-oriented.
Do this letter for your own good. I wouldn't send it to H at all. You can use parts of the letter in dropping some tidbits of comments as appropriate.
That is unless H is all in and then you can lay out the boundary. Not at this stage at all for it is very, very fragile.
