I know everyone is right. He really is not a good person. He is not what I thought I would choose for myself or to be the father of my children. But I am embarrassed that I am not even good enough in his eyes. I know there were things that I wasn't happy with during our marriage but it seems as though the only changes needed were with me. He was not willing to go to ic/mc for me but he IS willing to do it now to get HER back. That right there is the most hurtful thing ever.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
First off, really really glad Lillian is improving and Social Services is resolved.
Secondly, nobody should ever expect to have sufficient control in labor and delivery to DB with the baby's father. Give yourself a break. You behaved the way a woman in labor behaves. That was right and true and it's ok. tell you the truth, you sound a lot nicer than some of us do while we are in labor...I mean, I recall a few harsh words at my h when he 'rubbed me the wrong way!!" and that, unfortunately, is an actual example. And we were not doing any DBing then!
you have issues to work on for sure, but THIS^^ labor behavior, is just NOT one of them, sweetie.
Thirdly, you have a newborn baby. Recover, bond with her, take comfort in her. Whatever happens or doesn't with you H is temporary compared to that.
More hugs, more prayers, more support for you. Be well and find peace.
this^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He is a POS. He is using you , his post partum wife, with hormones all over for HIS needs with no regards to your feelings.
He is a serial cheater and a liar. He lied to his ex wife, he has lied to you, and he lied to OW. He's got serious issues. And who knows if he has an STD?
DBing in this case should be for you, not him, because he has serious issues he desperately needs to fix. And he hasn't even come close to attempting it.
To me, right now what he is trying to do is disgusting. Please don't give into it. You are a strong woman, you can do this. Keep it to the the kids.
this^^^
Also, instead of going to "couples" therapy with OW, to whom he's NOT married(!!), why not suggest he get his a$$ to a therapist for himself?
Does he know that you now know you were an OW too? God, what a weak little man with a huge character flaw.
So sorry Twin.....so so sorry.
Oh, I posted on your other thread but then saw Lillian's troubles at the start, (the CPS thing might have thrown me over the edge so I say BRAVO to you x 1000)
and I was worried. I see that you are in "phase 2" of this now.
Thank God you are both alright!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, he knows that I know. Any conversations are about my flaws and how I have changed but that he still doesn't love me. I am trying to avoid any and all conversations right now.
At this point I think I want to "win" him back so he will get help. Even if I do decide to divorce him anyway I want him to get help.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Annnnnnnnnnnd, he asked to "slow down" the divorce... Is now the time to demand ic for him?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Sounds tough twin, but some of these men just seem so broken its hard to know what is the right thing. Unless they want to work on change its unlikely to work or to change.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Even if your h went to IC, he would have to be honest (something he clearly struggles with) and be willing to do the work. Otherwise, it's a waste of money. I know some folks who have been going to IC for years and have no movement. It's because they can't handle those 2 requirements.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Are you really comfortable making demands anyway? Demands have implied ultimatums: "Do this ... or ELSE."
Would you have what it takes to carry out the "or else"?
Because let's face it: you can make all the demands you want. And he can say no. Anddddd ... you're allowing him to live with you while - right in front of your face - he is trying to work things out with the woman with whom he cheated on you ... while you were carrying his child.
Not trying to be harsh, but he wants to slow down on the divorce because he clearly can't be alone. He overlaps all his relationships. He's telling you that you are Plan B. You know, in case OW doesn't work out.
You deserve better. Treat yourself better than he's treating you.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
The only way IC works, in my view, is if you walk in and say "I accept that I have problem X, I know it's negatively impacting the people around me, and I want you to help me develop and implement a plan to fix this problem."
Anything short of that will only give him the excuse to say "I tried."
So demanding IC for him isn't what you want. He can fake his way through that.
What you want is him to recognize that he has a problem, and that he cares enough about you to want to fix it.
From all indications, that is going to be a very tall order for your H. He doesn't seem that connected with the consequences of his actions beyond himself. Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to recognize their flaws, let alone take responsibility for them.
Accepting anything less on your part though is just setting unrealistic expectations, and we know disappointment follows that.
