Grocery list item #3. Intimacy. We were sexually active from the second date. I would ask if she's done this or that and she would always say yes. She would tell me how she learned how to perform oral sex to please her boy friends. Nothing we did together was new to her. For me, I had sex once with a girl I knew but not in a relationship. I always felt I had to measure up. After W's first affair, I kept thinking about what that OM had done with her. She old me about the oral sex and missionary sex on his couch. Almost everyday I would picture these things. My self esteem took a major hit. Now I really felt the need to be my best in bed. She recently told me that she felt I needed to prove myself to her in bed... yup.
Add this to Grocery item #4. Pornography. When I was ten I found my step-fathers stack of Playboys. It was downhill from there. By my teens I was fully engrossed. I figured I could stop when I got married. When I turned 21 a friend brought me to a strip club. Now I was getting really bad but again I thought IO could stop anytime especially now that I had this awesome girlfriend that would do anything in bed. Nope I was wrong. I slowed down when I got married but it was still there. Then the internet became more popular and I was getting into some dark stuff. After W's first affair, we went to counseling with a pastor at a new church she started to attend. I never really went to church. She went to a catholic church occasionally. Some time during that first year after A#1, I decided to become a Christian. With this decision, I needed to fight my anger and especially my porn addiction. I did better but it's still a fight. The last few years I would still fall if I felt rejected. Better, but not completely healed. I also asked W do to things she didn't like. One reason was the porn, the other is that I felt that was the only thing none of her other sex partners had done. I always felt guilty but I did it anyway. Yup, I blamed myself. During one of our late night/ all night discussions she asked my if I though God had given us boys because I would hurt girls if we had them just like someone from her work. I then remembered an uncomfortable feeling I had around a developing young niece. I was almost ready to believe I hurt her too and thus Suicide attempt #2. Later I realized I would not have done anything but at that late hour I went to a dark area. Yes, I blame myself for this area too.
I've gotten better over the years that we've been married. I have improved and am still working on things. I admit my faults. What hurts a lot is that W will not admit any of hers. She didn't tell me how she felt until the last few months since A#2. Then, in my opinion, she embellished each area to levels way worse than they ever were. She even told me that S#2 was born so she could feel love again. Yes I'm hurting. Yes I'm angry. Though it may not seem it in the last few posts, I am more angry at myself than her. Even the week after I found about A#2, when she went to talk to two sisters, I was willing to take ALL of the blame for her actions.
