Almost home..

[GoatGal]

mdu---You just described a core issue in my marriage. Totally.

It's (not "hot" but) lukewarm, ice cold, and everything in between.

You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out every little interaction.

I know from what I've read about your sitch that our Hs are similar; in that they're not exactly the "go-get 'em!" type in relationships.

So it's a bit harder for us, I think. We have to walk a much sharper edge.

When I pull back too much, my H "seems" to take this as rejection, and since he has already stated he feels like a total jerk, that doesn't make him warm to me at all.

On the other hand, if I go the least bit overboard with my friendly attitude, that can backfire as well.

So for me, at least, it's a matter of giving support, being there, being responsive, without asking anything in return. No expectations.

I am appreciative, but I let him know I am handling things just fine on my own.
(And if not, I can find additional "help". Preferably young, good looking, and shirtless.)

But I definitely DO NOT RUB THIS IN!

Truth:

From our first kiss, back when we first met almost 30 years ago, he was tentative.
I said (wanting more!) "Ohhh... you can do better than THAT!" (flirtatiously)

In his mind? I think he believed I was judging him.
I look back on that moment often these days.
We've even talked about it.
How he had "reasons" why he reacted the way he did (backing off, very put off), but they really didn't hold water for a man who supposedly wanted a woman the way he supposedly wanted a 25 year old Goat Gal with no baggage and a blue mohawk!)

It was a serious "fear of rejection" thing.
This was a turn off to me, to be honest.
But he had so many other good qualities.... which are now still 50% MIA.

Back to the first kiss:
Another man might have taken my "you can do better!" statement as an invitation, a challenge, an opening, a "Go FOR IT!" sign.

My husband? Took it as criticism.

And looking back that set the stage for all that has followed.

Honestly now I don't know whether I even want to wait around to see if he can ever be what I need him to be.

I am a very strong, adaptable woman.
He is a weak, passive, confused man with a LOT of baggage, who is not willing to take advantage of the resources he has available to try to undo some of the damage he has done.
He would rather run.
I can't respect that decision.

As I've read:
"The 'high conflict avoiders' are the type most likely to end up in divorce court." I have no doubt that's true.

My H's coping skills are limited:
Lie, manipulate, blame, deflect, confuse, play the victim, withhold information, keep secrets, get angry, bully, get passive aggressive.

All this if he feels cornered and he certainly feels cornered now.
This situation is really pushing the envelope for him.

He always used to be enough, more than enough, for me.

Now, with the betrayal and the lies and the "I don't know if I LOVE you anymore" statements, I have to wonder.

It would take MORE than he was able to give me originally to make something new out of this mess.
I'm not sure he's up to it.

Sad.
But you can't sugar-coat the truth.

I'm sorry if this seems like a hi-jack of your thread; it's just food for thought, is all.

Keep hanging in, mdu!



---GG

PS: What does "mdu" mean, anyway?