Old dog seeks new trick

[Ben2010]

Dont let her changes get you down. You have no idea what they could be about. I know all about the checking emails and FB...I still have to check email sometimes to see if she expects me to be writing her. It is not good for us, but I sometimes just have to know.

Maybe you should read up on MLCs and see if some of that fits your W. It could explain some of what she has going on right now.(shoes, lipstick)

Also I see some great opportunities for 180s for you based on what you said. You procrastinate, stop doing that. It will make you feel better to not be that way anyway. Make that part of your goals and tell yourself that you WILL get those things done TODAY. And if you are normally dark around her as you say, then maybe try being cheerful. Obviously not to the extent that it is fake. I wouldnt put too much thought into trying to mindread here about the independent life. She may just want to change some things about herself. You never know. So dont beat yourself up about it wondering. You got this buddy. Maybe reach out to Sandi2 or MrBond, they can advise you better than I can.

[Old Dog]

Thanks Ben. You're doing a fantastic job for me as it is. I have read many posts by sandi2 & Mr Bond and others and they are awesome. Honestly, the people willing to help on here are on another level. Thank you so much for doing what you do.

And I did take a brief look at MLC yesterday. I found something on the NHS website about it. I, like most peole I should imagine, thought it mostly applied to men. Without thinking too deeply about it, I think there may be something in it. My counselor also asked me if she was going through the menopause but I don't know the answer to that.

So, yesterday after I made dinner - without being asked and with a PMA (I am so not a foodie. Not looking for stars, praise etc I just want to change) - she disappeared upstairs to lie on the bed and read, facebook, txt I don't know. So I'm left downstairs alone again - this has been happening a lot in the past few months. Now going dark, this may not be such a bad thing, but it's not GAL. I should have called a friend. Felt a bit teary about it, fought back, and made her a cup of tea. Act normal but try and be cheerful but not as forthcoming I'm thinking. She said she'd be down but never appeared (there's more to this).

Went to bed, not too bad sleep unti the cat threw up in the room first thing. Got up, cleared it up quietly, she knew, went back to bed (again, no stars required).

to be continued ...
(long posts can put you off reading onine - it's a UX thing)

[Old Dog]

And so to the longest day of the year and it's her big day out with a couple friends that she intends to tell and one she already has told. I now know that this is how women get support: just by talking with friends (source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). She said a while ago 'that friends will probably think I'm crazy to end our relationship' but I know they won't try and dissuade her either. That's OK, I'm not expecting them to and I want her to have support.

Now here's an interesting thing. Despite getting up early enough, she came to me and said that she's messed up. She should be at the station (half an hour away) by 9am and it's now 8:20 and she's missed the bus.

I said 'do you need me to drive you there?' I didn't pick the word 'need', but I'm quite pleased it came out. She hadn't asked, I offered, but I used the need word. She said 'I don't want to take the p***, but yes'.

She's flustered trying to get ready quickly and on the way out drops a couple of things: clearly a little stressed. And in the car, she's trying to sort her bag about and drops more things. And then she says 'this is symptomatic of how I'm feeling at the moment, I'm trying to get things straight'.

Whoa!, Wait a minute, she's not as cool, calm and collected as I thought. In fact, during the journey she apoligised for spending the whole evening upstairs on her own. She was trying to collect her thoughts. She also asks if my therapy session went well last week. I am trying the dark thing, so she just gets 'uh huh', 'OK' or a 'yes, thank you'.

She thanks me for the lift, I say 'no probem, it's what I do'. I wish I hadn't said the last bit as she and S2 collect me from the station every Friday - although amazingly, I have expressed my heartfelt appreciation for this not too long ago.

I drop her off with 'I hope you have great day' and she replies similarly. No, ILYs or anything.

Now to have some fun with the boys ... if I can get one out of bed and the other hasn't stayed up all night with his pals.

[Old Dog]

Maybe reach out to Sandi2 or MrBond, they can advise you better than I can.

What's the best way to do this? PM is disabled, so do I but into someone elses thread with a brief request?

I feel that it's a little rude, but maybe that's the only way. Ask for you need.

[Old Dog]

Jus thinking about that last bit.

Now to have some fun with the boys ...

PMA oh yeah!

... if I can get one out of bed and the other hasn't stayed up all night with his pals.

Not PMA. That's full on old me that is. It may raise a chuckle with people but it's a glass half full situation. Away with you, you negative beast.

And on another PMA note, I've lost 14lbs / 1 stone / 6kg in the past three weeks, my appetite seems to have disappeeared and I'm pretty happy with that. Don't worry, I'm still eating, just not so much and no snacks.

[Old Dog]

I had a really nice time with the boys today. I also did a stack of jobs round the house. Chanted PMA every now and then. Sounds daft, but it reminds me of what I have to do.

My big passion is playing and listening to music but I haven't played for years and even listening has gone down a great deal. Reigniting the passion is one of my GAL goals, but I was thinking there are a awful lot of unrequited love and breakup songs about (and that's before you even start with Country).

I was listening to my iPod today, while fixing lad 2's bike, when on comes 'I can see clearly now the rain has gone' by Johnny Nash and I thought what I need is a mix tape of inspirational songs to sit alongside my PMA chants.

The girls have got Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive', that's a banker. I'll need to think of a few more.

[Old Dog]

Last Sunday was Father's Day here in the UK. One of my presents, sourced by WAW ( that's the first time I've used that term :-( was a small jar with a few cards in. Some of them had activities written on them, some you are supposed to fill in yourself. Sounds quite nice, except that the name on the jar and cards is 'Adventures with Dad'.

The second I saw this, I felt as though I'd been stabbed through the heart. Of course I want have fun with my kids, we did yesterday when W was away (see above), but here she is saying we're separate now but you still need to be a good father. Yeah, I know, thanks for the reminder. It took a great deal of energy to remain cool that day, but inside I was in pieces and it's the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning.

When this happens, it just takes over your mind pushing everything else out. It makes me want to cry again. PMA, PMA come on odsnt, you can do this. I know I'll get through it, but I so want to change my mindset and be a glass half full person. Oh dear there's a tear. Time to get up and get on and keep busy. Don't know when W is coming back today, I didn't ask and she hasn't said. I miss her. The W I had when we had a good relationship.

[MrBond]

Actually, you haven't really mentioned what your W actually had complaints about in the M. What did she tell you? Be as detailed as possible without interjecting what you "think" she thought was wrong.

[Old Dog]

WAW (argh, I used it again: and it feels bad) has a very successful older brother. He's 10 years older and has been CEO of companies. He's now written a book about managing. It's good: and he's a nice cheerful fellow.

In this book is am image of a man drawing lines in the night sky from star to star with the caption 'know where you are going'. WAW likes this very much, so her kindly brother got her a t-shirt, a mug, notebook and a postcard all with the same image on.

Her career (like mine) never took off. In fact she hasn't had a career, just unfulfilling jobs: then we had children and she stayed at home to look after them, returning to more unfulfilling part time work a few years ago, so she's there when they come home from school.

I mentioned previously, she now has a new full time job*, 2 minutes from where we live and loves it.

I just wonder how much she looks at her brother and what she thinks about how their lives have panned out. She has the ability to do very well. Does she see me as anchor sapping her energy?

Whatever the case, I've my PMA to work on. I want to be the man she wants. If at the end of the day I make the changes and she still doesn't want me, I'll devasted again, but I will be in a much better frame of mind. Now back to the ironing and singing.

* which I incidently found - not seeking stars/praise - I was just trying to help. And now I think about it, wasn't that pro-active? I do believe it was. I will give myself a star after all. this isn't the same as seeking stars from others, this is internal positive recognition.

[MrBond]

Actually, that whole post was full of what you "think". What were SPECIFIC things she said were wrong with the marriage?