Realized that I never responded to Maybell about this. My IC told me the same thing. I've realized that I was unhappy in the M too. In an ideal world, we'd both (my H and I) be able to grow in positive ways and find new, better love for each other. I still believe it is possible. Difficult, yeah. But man this D stuff is difficult too! But if he is not able to do his own work on himself, or see the value I can bring to his life, or the benefit to our D3 to working on our M, then I think I probably am better off without him. I am still doing the work for me... and my next relationship will be healthier and happier because * I* will be healthier and happier.
1) self-acceptance: I've finally reached a point in my life where I truly see my own value. I realized that I had been looking to my partners or friends for validation, and had so much self-hatred that I couldn't possibly be a good partner.
I highly recommend to any introverts (or those who love one) to read "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking", by Susan Cain.
It has helped me completely re-frame my view of myself and understand some of my behavior (I.e. why parties--even when I have a good time-- are exhausting; why I hate meaningless small talk; etc)
2) relationship: I'm seeing more and more how my H issues played a role in the breakdown of our M. Now that I am detaching and following DB, and treating my own anxiety, I can see more clearly how his issues triggered mine. I guess at this point i would say I'm ambivalent about D. I don't have great hopes that he would be self-reflective, or flexible enough to change, so I'm not even sure what I would say if he expressed an interest In reconciling.
3) anger and sadness. I've been reading the 5LL, and it is almost too painful to read. It is so clear to me that this was a major major reason our M didn't work. We both said we loved each other and were trying to show it, yet we both felt unloved. If only I had known about this long ago. I think we could have been helped but now he doesn't see that there is any path to R. I wish I could reach out and tell him what I've realized, and that there is a path to reconnecting. But I know that is a no-no. My SIL asked me, "does he think that there is someone out there who is just perfect and he'll have a R with no problems?" I didn't answer, but yes, I definitely think that is what he thinks. Or, at least, the only solution is to start over with someone new; that there is no chance for R with me.
Claire, so glad your sense of self-worth has improved so much. And that you have a clearer sense of how your past brought you to this place. No matter what happens, those two things are huge.
I know what you mean about 5LL. I had the same issue. Our first MC did try to get us to do the worksheet, but my H is so clueless about what's important to him that he actually got completely even scores across the board, except that supposedly my appearance isn't that important to him. Mine was clearer but he wasn't really interested in learning how to implement 5LL ("I am who I am") so it wasn't like it helped at all. His desire to meet my needs is one of the dealbreakers on my list.
You are doing really well!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Need to vent for a minute. A few weeks ago, H sent me an email about schedule: June 22: I am busy that evening. I'm happy to try to switch things around a bit that weekend if it helps -- or you can just be with her the whole day. Up to you, assuming you're available.
I agreed to take D3 for the entire day Sunday, and asked him to come another evening in exchange. He said he didn't think we needed to think of it as one-for-one exchanges-- that we will both just be flexible whenever we can if the other person needs it. I just texted him to ask him to push back our switch off time by 1 hour today, so I could get a bit more work done.
He said, 'can we compromise, and I'll come back a half-hour later? I have plans.'
I am letting myself get all worked up about this. I know I need to detach. But man, this is frustrating. I mean, seriously? I guess he is setting a boundary (I can't change plans last minute), and I can only blame myself for not setting my own boundaries...right? I shouldn't have any expectations from him.
There is no response that is appropriate besides, "Sure, that would be great." RIGHT??
Claire. I am definitely not one in a position to Give good advice but you are doing wonderful. Remember not to Act or respond on emotion. It's so hard to do I know trust me. You are making so many positive changes to make YOU a better You whether it's with H or someone else. Be the person only a fool would leave. I don't know if I would say that would be great. Bc great would be if he could keep D an extra hour lol. I would probably just say okay thank you! But again I'm not one to listen to lol! I just wanted you to know I'm cheering for you
Annnnd he came back at 4:00 anyway. He's not running out the door and I'm trying to be understanding but its a beautiful day and he could have had the consideration to warn me.
Deep breaths. Have fun planned for me and D3 this evening tomorrow morning and afternoon. Looking forward to a sunny joyful start of summer. Only a fool would walk away from this.
Need to vent for a minute. A few weeks ago, H sent me an email about schedule: June 22: I am busy that evening. I'm happy to try to switch things around a bit that weekend if it helps -- or you can just be with her the whole day. Up to you, assuming you're available.
I agreed to take D3 for the entire day Sunday, and asked him to come another evening in exchange. He said he didn't think we needed to think of it as one-for-one exchanges-- that we will both just be flexible whenever we can if the other person needs it. I just texted him to ask him to push back our switch off time by 1 hour today, so I could get a bit more work done.
He said, 'can we compromise, and I'll come back a half-hour later? I have plans.'
I am letting myself get all worked up about this. I know I need to detach. But man, this is frustrating. I mean, seriously? I guess he is setting a boundary (I can't change plans last minute), and I can only blame myself for not setting my own boundaries...right? I shouldn't have any expectations from him.
There is no response that is appropriate besides, "Sure, that would be great." RIGHT??
Deep breaths.
Don't take anything personally, I know, sounds stupid, but it will help you so much with everything. Even if he had some meaning behind his 30 minute difference, you don't have to play along.
Don't bite the hook.
There's a very good book by the same name.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Days like today, when neither my daughter nor I slept well last night, I'm exhausted and she is over tired so she's cranky and won't take a nap...and my WAH is skipping his time with his D this afternoon so that he can watch the world cup. ... and i have a ton of work to do but i know I'll be so wiped by the time she finally goes to bed tonight that I won't be able to get it done. ..
