Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[Devaste]

Rayzz,

I would wear your wedding ring if that's what you feel is right. It's a personal decision that I wrestled with a lot at the beginning of my stich.

Don't wear it to show her you won, or because you are trying to make a point to her. Let your feelings guide what you do, and whatever you do, if you remove it, make sure you are taking it off because YOU want to, and not because of how she will respond. And don't start taking it on and off. That will show weak boundaries and weakness is not attractive.

Good luck,

Dev

[rayzzz]

So now I am being too confident.
I decided to just pre book our S4 bday party at this play place and surprise her by taking initiative instead of always asking her what she wanted to do and making it her responsibility.
"So now I don't get a chance to talk about anything at all? Why are you always saying "I'll take care of it"

I answered stupidly "well I thought this is how you wanted to move forward" doh! Pursuing right?

But I have a chance to right this with WAW
So is this validating enough?
"I am just getting things done...sorry you feel I haven't been discussing things with you. You must feel so frustrated. What can I do to help you not feel this way?" Thoughts? Wonka?

[rayzzz]

Thanks Devesta,
Hey our kids are like the exact same age D8 D6 S3. Next week we begin shuttling them back and forth.ugh

Thats great input. I was taking it on and off but my gut tells me to keep it on whether it bothers her or not. You are right that its really not about her and so for I just said when when asks " well this is where my heart is at" not to elaborate but keep at that answer and go about my business.

[oad]

Hi rayzzzz...sounds like my waw...she got mad as hell when I planned my D party..dammed if you do...dammed if you don't..so now im laying back and taking the advice od sandi2...be indifferent.

[rayzzz]

Hi rayzzzz...sounds like my waw...she got mad as hell when I planned my D party..dammed if you do...dammed if you don't..so now im laying back and taking the advice od sandi2...be indifferent.

Ain't that the truth! Makes the 180s the WAW are crying for so difficult to do.
If Sandi2 said it , I am gonna try it to. Thx oad (and Sandi!)

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Devesta,
Hey our kids are like the exact same age D8 D6 S3. Next week we begin shuttling them back and forth.ugh

Thats great input. I was taking it on and off but my gut tells me to keep it on whether it bothers her or not. You are right that its really not about her and so for I just said when when asks " well this is where my heart is at" not to elaborate but keep at that answer and go about my business.

if it is not about her, why not just say that? I wonder why she bothered mentioning it, unless it annoys her as you said and if so, SHE feels pursued or pressured by it.

"W, I'm not wearing it for you, so you don't have to worry about it", or maybe the truth is, you don't know why you are wearing it...

But have zero expectations of her noticing or commenting if you keep wearing it OR if you take it off. Because like you said, it's not about HER. (assuming that is true.) Remember to CONTRAST the old you with the new you. Undermine her assumptions about you with the new reality of you.

Since you have made a few verbal mistakes that would not happen if you were briefer in your replies, why not pause BEFORE answering her R questions,

and then be very brief and or vague, or redirect the conversation.?

more later, good luck!

[25yearsmlc]

So now I am being too confident.
I decided to just pre book our S4 bday party at this play place and surprise her by taking initiative instead of always asking her what she wanted to do and making it her responsibility.
"So now I don't get a chance to talk about anything at all? Why are you always saying "I'll take care of it"

I answered stupidly "well I thought this is how you wanted to move forward" doh! Pursuing right?


you continue to make your choices based on your perception of HER wants.

Don't. Aside from massive mind reading on your part, That's also

NOT detachment; that is tactical strategizing to get her back.

The changes are supposed to be ones YOU want to make for YOU to become the man YOU want to become. So say things like that.

"W, In the past I abdicated too much to you and that was unfair to both of us. So now I'm taking more initiative, but I can see how that might look like taking over.

I'm looking for that fine line between taking more initiative and just 'taking over'. It seems you think I went too far, so thanks for the feedback."

OR words to that effect, if they feel authentic for you.


But I have a chance to right this with WAW
So is this validating enough?

"I am just getting things done...sorry you feel I haven't been discussing things with you.

it's not that she feels you have not been discussing things with her, it's that you HAVE NOT. In other words, her feelings reflect reality, right? IF so, just admit that.


You must feel so frustrated. What can I do to help you not feel this way?" Thoughts? Wonka?

Just apologize for taking over too much, b/c hey, you are probably all trying to walk a fine line.

Don't act as if she has complained to you about how she feels if she has not. The way I read it, was that She simply asked if she is now being excluded from planning, so address THAT.

IF SHE SAYS she "feels x", then go ahead and validate that you heard her feelings...but don't put words in her mouth. That's not validating. That's mind reading. If you don't know how she feels and if you think you need to know how she feels (but be careful here b/c it's very close to being R talk and at this moment, you need NO more of that)

but when unsure, ask her to "tell" you more about what she's expressing. Ask her to clarify so there is no mind reading.

Also use these last days NOT to mope but to create good memories for the kids...and give her positives to recall,

b/c a bad miserable mopey image of you, is NOT a man she'll miss.

Make sense?

[rayzzz]

Rayzz,

I would wear your wedding ring if that's what you feel is right. It's a personal decision that I wrestled with a lot at the beginning of my stich.

Don't wear it to show her you won, or because you are trying to make a point to her. Let your feelings guide what you do, and whatever you do, if you remove it, make sure you are taking it off because YOU want to, and not because of how she will respond.

Hey I bought a new sterling silverband(just a cheap one) cause my current one is falling apart (lost real wedding ring years ago and have been wearing fakes)
and I have decided that it doesnt come off. it hasnt in 14 years and in a way this new one means to me a committment to myself to change me for the better for a real marriage....hopefully with her

[Anaru]

You can't use logic with illogical people.

So true!!!

[Elly4]

I totally get where you are with that, Ray. My H didn't want to say anything to my son about living in a separate room, but my son noticed. I finally told him that it was great that we each have our own rooms now.