Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

GG- nice to "meet" you, though sorry it is under these circumstances. Thank you so much for the positive feedback- it's nice to have outside perspective that I am being compassionate as it hurts like hell!
I will wander over to your thread and read soon. Have to survive H's sister's wedding today first.

FY-
I wrote in on my phone 3 times as my top note I will reference it often!
Trying to be a friend and stay detached is a hard balance but I'm working on it! I definitely don't want him to turn to anyone else so it's worth figuring out.

Interesting developments yesterday- after the conversation I outlined we went to the wedding rehearsal and dinner. I thought I was doing ok but when they were doing some readings and talking about the vows I had to get up and walk out as it really hit me with pain I hadn't felt at that intensity in awhile.
H noticed I seemed upset and walked to to the car- asked what's wrong. I said I don't know if I can sit through the vows tomorrow- I take them seriously. I wasn't trying to be hurtful to him- just honest.
So he stayed with family at after rehearsal party much later than I and kids did. At around 1am I texted him and asked if he was just staying at family's house for the night. He texted no, on way back and can I call you.
When he called he said he had gone to the beach for awhile to sit and think. He hadn't realized how unfair he has been to me. Hearing the comment about the vows stung. Said our talk earlier in the day was good for him to hear how I see things panning out versus his idealized view of what will happen. He wants us to keep those conversations going. He knows thus isn't what I want, and he figures we will go back and front to extremes. He knows he can't "make" me happy ( I have always told him everyone's responsible for their own happiness and relationships are enhancements of that) but he wants to treat me better. And he cares- a lot. He knows he has a lot of work to do.
I thanked him for sharing all of that and said I would help him as I am able.

My goals for this week-
-Make it through the wedding without balling my eyes out.
-Be his friend but still stand my ground( if he brings it up) that a D means a change in dynamics that does not involve the level of relationship he thinks it will.
-Keep the focus that I am the prize- which involves GAL and creating my own time and space when emotionally needed.

Thanks to everyone for insight and support! I can do this!