Nope, we were close to being engaged. Looking at homes with a realtor, churches to get married at (the church she misses).
Some of the vets that REALLY helped me are: Mach1, Spartan, Wonka, MrBond. I would encourage you to reach out to them and introduce yourself.
Their advice is TOUGH to implement but they have been exactly where we are and we can be taught to avoid the mistakes that they made were they were newbies.
Yeah Ive already gotten some advice from MrBond and Wonka.
Hearing that you werent even married yet gives me a little more hope. If it is working for you then hopefully it can work for me. MrBond did not like that I was not answering her calls though. It was already too late for that though. It was already done. Now she hasnt called me back in 3 days. I dont know of any mistakes really that Ive made besides the pleading at the beginning of the S and bringing up the R on the phone with her...That one is the hardest one for me. I guess maybe it was a mistake to not answer the phone but it did produce a spark in her at first. She called me back 2 more times after that and has been checking her email like crazy. That is the way we communicate while we are at work. I dont think I have any choice now but to do what Im already doing, sitting and waiting.
I have decided though to go buy a bike this weekend and start riding with my brother and his wife at the park. Should be a good time and help relieve some stress.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
The problem with that Thorn, is that I work 2nd shift and when I am going to do anything it would be at like 1AM when no one is on here...I think I just have to wait this out. Its hard, but I dont think there is any other way. She has to miss me for this to work. I cant cave in and set myself back another couple of weeks or more.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
We all have experienced waves as they crash around our heads. Sometimes it sure feels like all hope is lost. Then something shifts. That is the crazy zig zag pattern of dealing with a WAS. It is called the DB Rollercoaster for a good reason!
Originally Posted By: Ben2010
This is the step before D and I never saw this coming
Separation doesn't necessarily mean a direct step toward D. This isn't always a linear process as you would think getting from point A to B as a logical process from a mathematical perspective. In DB land, it doesn't always work that way.
Which is why it is VITALLY important to keep working on you, reading posts here, re-reading DR book, and monitor baby steps.
Don't give up that easily, Ben. Or I'll start whispering "What a wuss" in your ear! Smile...not really. But seriously, you've got to keep your own faith alive.
Meanwhile Im stuck at home or at my brother's house because I have alienated myself from friends and now only have about 2.
This comment jumped out at me. What caused the alienation? How did this come about? Let's talk this out here so we can be more helpful with some suggestions, insights and tips. 'K?
Thanks Wonka, Yeah it is a rollercoaster. I feel very vulnerable right now. It doesnt much to bring me all the way down or all the way back up.
Well when we first AGREED upon the separation, it was not meant to be anything close to a D. We talked about it and decided that I would work on some of my issues that I have while she went and stayed with her parents for a bit. It seemed that way for the first couple of days that she was gone. Then it turned into a full blown WAW. She got very mean and angry when we would talk about the R. Decided not to call me when she said she would. Told me that she wasnt interested in fixing anything. All this to me seems like she is heading that way.
I just dont understand how some people can make it that long. I feel like my 3 1/2 weeks has been miserable torture. It isnt an issue of not caring enough to wait. It just seems like its getting worse instead of better. She knows that Im working on all of my issues as best as I can, but doesnt care.
I will say that I have done well lately on GAL though. I hang out with some new people over at my brother's house and we go out. However...now it seems that a very attractive 21 y/o girl that hangs out over there is interested in me just for sex...She knows that Im married, knows that Im 33. Its the age old problem of dating. When you have someone that you want, the women come out of every nook and cranny and throw themselves at you. When you dont...its a ghost town. Dont worry, I will not be entertaining doing anything with this girl at all. That is not even close to what I want right now. Though I will say that it did boost my self esteem a bit. It just feels good to know that you still got it.
The alienation of myself from friends that Im talking about is just that normal thing that happens when you start dating someone and then it turns serious. I just didnt have time for them during that and they slowly disappeared. So now I have my brother and one good friend left. Not much of a support group, but my brother has been awesome during this whole thing. I did have a friend contact me about coming over to his house on Sunday to play some board games and stuff(yeah I know kinda childish, but thats what we do). He is the kind of guy that would listen a bit and feel sorry for you, but not really be of much help. Better just to hang out and have a good time than to talk about it with him.
Any help you can provide based on whats going on with me would be much appreciated. Keep in mind that I have now not answered her phone calls the past 3 times she has tried calling. Im pretty sure she was trying to continue an argument and I want no part of that. Plus I asked her not to contact me until she was ready to work on the R. Not sure if this is the right thing to do or not, but that is where Im at.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
What is the status of W now? Is she still involved with the OM?
The reason why W appears angry and cold is to maintain the distance between the two of you as she senses, rightly so, that you want a reconciliation. Those pesky WAS noses!!! Very sharp indeed. Try not to take it personally because those types of actions are a reflection of their inner fear of going back to the same ol', same ol' M.
So use this time and space wisely to work on YOU. Keep making the changes for you. Suppose W gets hit by a car tomorrow (no, it won't happen...just a hypothetical), would you stop and drop all of your changes because she isn't around any longer? Do the changes because you WANT to, not because you HAVE TO. See the difference?
As for the friends, you need to remember to give too. A good friendship requires a lot of give and take. Why not invite them over too? Also look into Meet-Ups...tons of fun stuff there! Why not volunteer in your local community? My late father had wonderful hospice volunteers come over and built a new deck. Man, Dad was sooo happy.
At some point, you'll need to re-think your approach with W's phone calls. You're going to have to take some of her phone calls. When talking with W, be sure not to engage in R talks or take a very hard line approach. Sometimes you do need to re-build your connection with W. Open up some and allow some calls.
It is not all or nothing proposition here. By taking this stance, you're hurting any prospects for a R.
Thanks for the response Wonka. I think you may have my sitch confused with someone else though. My W is not involved at all with OM or A. Maybe it was something I said to make you think that, but if so then I apologize.
I agree that is why she seems to be shut off much of the time. Sometimes her nose is telling her the wrong thing too though. Like that I am just looking for a reaction when I am not. I always think to myself when she says something completely insensitive "she is scared, dont react to that." It seems to help me keep calm alot.
As far as the changes, I would agree that these are changes for me without her in mind. I like what Im working on now. In 6 months from now I will be able to manage my anger, have a much greater understanding of how love works, stop smoking, have much nicer teeth, be a way better communicator, much stronger Christian and just a better man in general.
I agree with the friends thing too. I have not been the best friend that I could have been. There have been many occasions where I dont go places with them when invited. I think this is partially anxiety and depression. Also a result of the "love euphoria" with wife too. Everyone knows how that works, you meet someone and nothing else seems to matter. I dont invite some of my friends over because I have a tiny studio apartment right now too. I have been hanging out at my brother's house alot lately. I even bought a bike this weekend and we went for about a 2 mile bike ride and I actually had fun with it. I forgot how much fun bikes are.
I have rethought the approach with the phone calls too. I will explain how that came about in my next post. I have a huge update with some new developments. I will post the update in a bit, I have a meeting to go to very soon. Thanks again Wonka for the insight.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
