prayers please

[twinmom]

Kinda journaling but if anyone wants to throw their 2 cents in I am very open to that.

I feel like I am starting at square one. On one hand I want to ask him to leave. I am so angry at him for what he is doing but on the other hand I want him to get help and to save our family. I do love him but I think a lot of my issues are really with me.

I feel like I am not worthy enough, I feel like why is he begging her to go to therapy with him but had no desire to do so to save our marriage? Why am I not good enough for him? These are the questions that keep running through my mind.

We had a good time at Day out with Thomas. The kids had a blast and there were lots of smiles. We hardly ever fight, that's never been a problem with the two of us. I think H is so conflict avoidant that he just goes along with whatever I want or ignores me if he doesn't want to do something.

I have already fallen for him emotionally again, it's just a matter of putting up a false front until I can gain back the steps of progress I had made in detaching.

I know it's supposed to be easier to DB with H at "home" but he has already seen and acknowledged my 180's and said how wonderful they are but it changes nothing for him.

We discussed the topic of divorce again, he had brought it up at the dr office on Wednesday, talking to the baby telling her he didn't want to put her in daycare and doesn't she want to stay home with mommy........
H says that I "jumped the gun" with filing and he doesn't want to finalize things for a while. He won't give me a time frame though. I am trying hard not to read into these comments.

Last night H tried to be intimate (obviously not sex, but darn close) I don't want to fall for his games and as soon as we got home tonight I took out my copy of The Solo Partner to reread the chapter on pursuit. I need to be reminded of the rules.

I don't know if asking him to leave is the right thing, how do you "go dark" with him living here? I know I need to as it's destructive to my own mental health to engage with him. I know one text from her and he is gone so DETATCH is the name of the game.

Do I tell him that I only want to talk if it's about the kids? Do I just leave and not make myself available?
Do I stay in my room for the evening?

Going to reread DB and The Marriage Remedy. Anything to keep me from falling into his games.