Thx Starsky, this is very helpful. Old MDU jumped on it and tried desperately to push things along. I've always been the driver in the relationship.
Having said that, while I agree it would be unwise to move too quickly, I'm anxious to balance this with showing him the path home is still "smooth and clear". Old MDU used much, much more minor offenses against him far past their expiration date. I know he has a legit fear of this.
Additionally, since I have always been the driver I suspect that if I don't clearly state "hey, I'm looking for you to take the initiative and move this forward" that we will hang in limbo for a long time. That he'll just wait for me to make the plan. I mean can I realistically expect him to change this without clearly stating, I know I've always been the driver but this is something you need to drive, don't wait around for me to?
Am I making any sense? lol, my mind is reeling a bit with this latest development.
Q: Do you always want to be the "driver" again in a brand-new marital relationship with him? Were you happy being the one to always do that?
"Q: Do you always want to be the "driver" again in a brand-new marital relationship with him? Were you happy being the one to always do that?"
Honestly, I never particularly minded it. I don't think this was a big problem for us, at least not one he has mentioned yet. I don't mind making plans for us, initiating state of our union discussions, etc. Occasionally I wish he would initiate a bit but I wouldn't say this is a major issue for me. As long as he is happy to participate and not just going along with the program.
There are other things where he has always been the driver (bills, most home maintenance items, etc), but tending to the MR has been primarily driven by me (needless to say, I've unfortunately let it drop in recent years).
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
When something seems in doubt, sometimes I like to think about the worst "What if I'm wrong?" scenarios.
On the one hand, if I'm wrong, and you should really be pursuing him more and making the way home easy for him . . . and you don't . . . then you have two ways it could go. 1, he wasn't sincere (or ready, or equipped enough) and you've lost nothing. 2, he IS sincere, and he IS ready, and . . . what? He will keep pursuing. He's NOT going to give up that easy just because YOU weren't that easy, not if he's really ready and willing to do what it takes!
On the other hand, if YOU'RE wrong, and you let him back in too soon? Well, this forum is littered with those poor souls, as it's probably the #1 mistake people make when DBing in my observation.
I would add to that, you can ALWAYS "throw a little more 'pursuit' on the fire," but you CAN'T take it away if you leap too fast. He'd be in your home, back in your (and your kids'!) heart(s), and he won't have done the hard work necessary to fix his stuff and earn you back.
I am with Starsky that it is best to make yourself scarce for a while to allow the pair of you to process the emotions and discussions in the car.
Wow. Amazing new developments in your sitch.
My dear Puppy aka Starsky (he'll always be Puppy to me :)) and I will be happy to let you lean on us for support!
What I would urge you to be very mindful is not to trot out the "boundary" nor lay out "conditions" for it would feel too restrictive for H and he would not feel welcome back home. You wouldn't want to be too heavy-handed in this phase of the reconciliation process. The focus is maintain the separation for the time being for it FORCES you to truly communicate your fears, concerns, thoughts, hopes, and dreams about this "new" reconciliation.
Another important factor is to drop the scorekeeping card. Who likes that?!! Not me. The past has passed. What you can do is to learn how YOU would handle things differently and how you'd react to events in a much more balanced way.
You want to be a true partner to your H in a loving and supportive way. You and the home should be a sanctuary from the storms of the outside world.
I think in this phase it would appear that you and H are "rediscovering" each other and seeing each other in a new light. Look at H as a new date that you'd like to learn about all over again with beginner's set of eyes.
Why not play the 20-question game the next time you see H? Or introduce yourself as a different name with an alter ego. That would be fun!
Be sure to insert creativity and playful scenarios with H in order to recapture the magic as you two re-build a new marriage together.
Thanks Starsky and Wondka. I really appreciate the advice and support as this is obviously a very, very delicate time in the process.
What you posted really resonates Starsky, if he's really ready he won't need me to push it. Besides, I think he's had enough signals from me at this point to know that there's still an opening. I've done enough.
Having said that, I'm feeling a little confused by your advice versus Wonka's. Wonka is saying NOT to put conditions or boundaries out there...yet I keep thinking this is prime time and his adherence and implementation of them would ultimately start to prove he is willing to do the work to 'earn me back' (as you mentioned). Needless to say, I'm confused how to tactically put these pieces of advice together..
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
He's only halfway there -- that's why the seemingly conflicting advice. He's REAPPROACHING you, but he hasn't yet given you the "WHAT WILL IT TAKE?? I WILL DO ANYTHING!" speech.
Trust me, you'll know it when you see it. In the meantime, keep it light, pull back a little, and WORK on your list.
Ok, got it. We were going to chat later tonight but I just made an excuse and bailed. We txtd a bit but I left it at that. We will see each other tomorrow for kids games, I'll keep it light and pleasant. Tomorrow afternoon/evening he is taking S to a cub scout event and I am taking D to do something with a friend. I'll be sure to avoid contacting him during this time, wait for him to initiate and keep it light and chatty.
I planted giant pumpkin seeds today which H was rather intrigued by ;-) And no, I didn't do it just to interest him, it's something a colleague mentioned he was doing and I thought was totally cool so decided to do myself. Sunday I'll have both kids back home and will figure out something fun for us while continuing to maintain some space from H.
Honestly, I feel some uncertainty when I think of him coming home right this minute so I think my instincts are aligning with what you're saying -- we're moving in the right direction but definitely not 100% yet.
Is there such a thing as pre-piecing? We're clearly not piecing yet, but I don't feel like we're exactly LRT either. It seems like somewhere in between. Each phase seems like it has it's own little nuances you have to be so on top of! Thx again to all for helping navigate through..
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
You are in the "He's Conflicted" stage. That is good, but he is NOT there yet. I PROMISE you, you will know when he is. It will be unlike any other rapprochement you've ever had with him.
Oh boy, definitely feels like I have somehow screwed up.
So I went pretty cool this am and H clearly did NOT like it. He's annoyed, asking me "whats the matter??". I'm like nothing, I'm just in a hurry (which is true, trying to get going so I can get organized for a hike with a friend this afternoon).
This feels very much like NOT the right move and I'm very confused now. I know my H, he does not like rejection at all and I'm sure feels I am giving him very mixed signals...which I am. It feels kind of mean.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
