Possilble WAW

[GoatGal]

Dawgy,

I'm glad you see that as long as you're at the mercy of your emotions and your thoughts, you're going to struggle more than you need to.

Everyone says "DETACH!" "GAL!" and it is SO HARD to do this.

Detaching in particular is tough. How can you just separate your emotions from the most important person in your life who is doing things you can't understand and which are so hurtful to you?

It's a challenge, and you can do it. But it's going to take practice and trial and error.

You've got to find what works for you... then practice makes perfect.

I struggle every day. I used to have these running dialogues with myself--out loud--and still do on occasion just to vent, but now I put a time limit on it, 5 minutes max.

Any more than that and I start to feel the physical effects of those negative, worrisome thoughts on my body. And that's NOT good. It will make you SICK.

But now every time I catch myself thinking about him, (usually a case of the "What IFS"), I become conscious that he is TAKING UP VALUABLE REAL ESTATE IN MY HEAD!

He lost that desirable property when he betrayed me, and did all the other things that led to him not living here.
I don't want to give him one more square inch of my precious brain plot to waste on his craziness.
It's a waste of time, but more importantly, it's a waste of valuable energy I could be applying to MYSELF and getting myself through this with style, grace, integrity, and in good mental and emotional health.

THAT is my focus right now. My well-being, and the well-being of my pets, my friends, my family.
Him? Not so much.

He wants to be "on his own"?
So on his own he is.
And on his own he will stay until he decides to make the changes needed to be a bigger part of my life than a (not-so-great) handyman.

I think the key to detaching is changing your thoughts about the situation and working to calm your body...

I can tell you that the last few bad blow-ups we had, and the emotional strain on my end, came directly from snooping and reading into things which were incorrect. I stressed myself out and lost important DBing ground by reacting to what was basically, nothing worth getting upset about.

Now, let's face it. They're going to do things that upset us. A LOT. That's when it's hard.

If you can do nothing else, just walk away. Don't respond. Wait until you feel calm to get back to her. Don't engage unless and until you feel under control and confident.

Many times when my H was here, I basically hid in the house rather than run into him working outside. I knew I was upset and couldn't control how I'd come across. I wear my heart on my sleeve, he'd see it, and it would be a turn off.

I still can only do short bursts of contact. Usually he says or does something that causes my heart rate to speed up, and that's my clue that I need to scoot... very cheerily...friendly---'Ooops! I forgot I've got something on the stove...see ya! "

It takes time.

You can do it.

If you need to vent, do it here, or in a private journal. Get it out... just not with her.

Don't do what I did. Don't: Engage in Texting Terrorism, try to show her the error of her ways, try to reason with her, guilt her, show her your pain, show her how her version of reality is RIDICULOUS, try to get her "help", try to be her pal (doormat), engage in ANY conversations about the relationship, except those absolutely required about children, etc.

Let HER make the first move to change things, move out, file for divorce, whatever. It's HER decision, let HER do the work.

You validate her feelings, saying "I understand that (Blank) is what you feel you need to do." and then STFU.

I think they're going 100% on emotions, not reason. You can't reason with emotions, especially if they're based on faulty reasoning!


So think of her as someone who is basing her actions on bad information, yet she is unable to embrace accurate information at this point. It is not going to happen.

You just have to watch her make her own mistakes. Anything coming from you will automatically be discounted. Trust me. You can't win.

Agree with her feelings, listen. Listen. Listen more.

Probably at this point, the less time you spend with her the better, until you get yourself on an even keel.

Keep posting!

---GG