Hurt and Confussed

[Ben2010]

Everyone makes mistakes. You should be happy that you can identify yours and know that you wont make the same ones again. Hang in there and do what you gotta do. Forget about the last convo and think about the next one. You didnt blow it.

[sandi2]

about going dark...I meant in everything else besides the kids, I guess you are right that you cant go dark with kids..lets call it going Dusk...

Let's not. It's bad enough some changed it to dim. Just kidding with you, it's a pet peeve of mine.

Okay, just wanted to know how you saw LRT, etc. I can relate to your W. I know it may seem a little crazy to you, but it is hard for women when they start seeing signs of losing their youth. So much emphasis is place on the physical beauty of women, that even a down to earth gal could feel distressed.

Without a doubt, she is going through a period of personal crisis, and it will affect you and the children. Unlike other crisis the two of you may have handled together, she has to work this out herself. You can't help her. You can't fix her. You can't control her. It may be a mid-life crisis or she may be a WAW who has her eyes on OP, IDK. The signs are similar. Just don't get hung up on labels at the moment.

I find the biggest problem most newcomers have with a WAW (we'll refer to her as that b/c she has walked away)is that the LBH will try to do those things he knew would have worked great when they had a healthy MR. Now he tries it and doesn't get the response he expected and doesn't understand. So, I'll tell you not to plan trying to be that H to her while the MR is unhealthy. Does that make any sense? I'll try to explain.

In the past, she may have wanted you to pursue her and have date nights. She may have enjoyed little flirty TM's throughout the day, or receiving little inexpensive "just because" gifts. But a WAW doesn't respond like she would when she was wanting to have a great M. It simply doesn't work for her now. And, that's why DBing is counter intuitive.

Her feelings and mindset has completely changed. You will think she's a complete stranger at times. Well, she kind of feels one to herself. If she looked in the mirror and didn't like what she saw, she's probably trying to reinvent herself. Only this time, it may be with a different attitude.....and agenda.

Don't give in to the panicked feelings you experience, thinking your time is running out and you have to do SOMETHING! You will be doing something, but it won't be what you may have traditionally considered as working on the R. For example, just leave her alone and let her be. Step back and regroup. Think of how you would live your life without her. Seriously. If she wants a D, let her do the work. But be smart and don't give everything over to her. You need to take steps to financially protect you and the kids. You have seen how she's deleting the bank account. Let that be a warning. Keep telling yourself, "This is not the girl I married".

A lot of LBH's who come here seem to fear what I just suggested. B/c the very nature of the male is telling him to chase the female. They are afraid she will think he's not interested. But that's exactly the point. That's what she should believe! Why? B/c it is the female's nature to try to change his opinion of her.

This will not be a short journey. She won't "snap out of it" one day and return to her old self the next. It's a much slower process. However, IMO, the more cake she eats (time with family, celebrating traditional occasions, keeping the benefits of being your W without actually filling the role)...the longer it will take her to finish the journey. Don't serve her "cake".

Since she has moved out and pursuing a D, I suggest you drop any emotional ropes you have tied around her. To me, that's the real LRT. You set her free. If she gets a true taste of life without you now, it just might bust the D. That would require you not trying to "win her back". It would require you showing an indifference toward her. You see, that is what really hits a woman.....the indifference. She will test it, to see if she can get a rise, but you have to realize it doesn't mean she's ready to R.

Another mistake with a LBS is watching every little move and analyzing every word. Something positive, and they think it means something. Don't fall into that trap.

And speaking of traps, don't fall for the "best friends" either. Anyone can be her friend. Only one can be her H. Which do you want? You can be polite, nice, and have a friendliness in your voice, but don't start playing that role.

[oad]

Thank you soooo much sandi it means a lot to me and what you say makes sense. a few points:

1. Im the one who moved out not her.

2. How can I be indifferent without seeming cold?

3. If I may ask..as a WAW what was the turning point for you?

4. From what I wrote, is it possible for there to be no affair?

thanks again sandi!!!!

[Old Dog]

Sorry to hear about your predicament oad. No advice from me I'm afraid I'm just starting out on all this.

But I do want to say what a great post from sandi2. Insight is a wonderful thing.

[oad]

odsnt...sorry to hear you are in the same boat...im a little more ahead of you, so maybe I can help you not make the mistakes I made..if you have any questions ask away my friend!!! yes sandi2 is great to have her insight..and the fact she would spend her time helping us to understand our WAW mindset is huge..

[sandi2]

1. Im the one who moved out not her.

Oh, I see. Is the home in her name only?

2. How can I be indifferent without seeming cold?

If you act coldly, it tells her she affects your emotions. It is a reaction to something she's done. But indifference is not caring one way or the other. (Of course we know you really do, but it's what she thinks that matters.).

Try to pretend she is an elderly nosie woman who lives next door. This neighbor is a neusence in your life. When she starts asking questions about your life, you just smile and try to tolerate her, but you don't answer all her snoopy questions. You don't flirt with her or expect her to hang out with you. You don't try to slip in a hug here and there, nor find an excuse to contact her. You don't act rude, get angry, or sulk if she visits other neighbors or stops showing any interest in you. It's fine! It doesn't matter. You don't care what she does! When you get in from work and see her in her yard next door, you just smile & wave and keep on walking. If she stops you to chat, you limit it and politely excuse yourself. See what I mean?

3.

If I may ask..as a WAW what was the turning point for you?

It was a succession of things. It took several months. I knew in my heart that OM didn't really care for me. I just wanted to believe the fantasy to escape my misery. But, I was beginning to see him without the rose colored glasses. And other things in my life was falling down around me b/c of my choices. The big finale was when my grown daughter informed me she had read my conversations with OM. I couldn't get mad at her, my H, or anyone else. She said I left my computer screen open to where I had been talking to him. (and I thought I had been so clever covering up!) At that moment, I was no longer the role model I had always tried to be. I felt that everything I ever stood for came tumbling down. Then I actually begged her not to tell anyone. I will never forget the look on her face!

Being busted by my H, or my D, did not magically switch me back to "normal" again. I was able to make the decision to stay in my M. However, it was based on making the "right" choice for my family, and not my personal feelings. It was terribly difficult to stay with my H b/c my feelings for him had not improved! I was filled with so much resentment over many years But making the right decision was the first step in the right direction.

4. From what I wrote, is it possible for there to be no affair?

It's possible, but doubtful. When women are so involved in looking younger/sexier to that extreme, it is usually for male attention, IMO. Yes, it makes a woman feel better about herself to make needed improvements, but my question is "who" is it really for? Apparently not you, b/c she sent you packing. She may not have a particular man at the moment. She may just want to prowal. But if she's not already in an A, I think she's headed in that direction.



I'm sorry, I know this has got to be so painful for you!

[oad]

ouch #4 hurts....that's why I felt some urgency in trying to do something. maybe that explains her wanting a fast divorce, so she doesn't feel guilty. I always felt as if she wants to test the waters and keep me as plan b...I told her I will never be plan b...the house is in both our names, but I told her if you want me to leave you will have to pay all the bills in the house and the mortgage. its weird because she wants to keep everything under both our names...the insurance the house the cars etc etc. like if we are still married but divorced. my house is a mess everytime I go by...she took down all our wedding pictures but left all the other pictures of us up???? she also has told her family that she is lonely in the house and scared when the girls stay with me...yesterday was the first time in 3 months that she texted me to have the girls call her...

[T-boned]

Oad, sorry I haven't posted for a few days; been busy with a few of my own issues. But it appears you have gotten some needed and wise input from some of the vets which is great! And you've got a couple of guys just starting this for support. Awesome!

Just want you to know I'm here for you, too.

[sandi2]

First time in three months the kids stayed over, or she texted you?

its weird because she wants to keep everything under both our names...the insurance the house the cars etc etc. like if we are still married but divorced

That's b/c a WAW (especially if there's an A) seems to have no sense of fairness. She wants all the benefits she received as your W to continue ....but she just doesn't want you as part of the package. She will claim you are trying to punish by not paying through the nose for her to have an easier life.

As I said, there may be no A at the moment, but if not...then she's getting prepped for one.

[oad]

sandi2...1st time she texted for them to call her...she is very clear that she wants this divorce to be quick and amicable. she makes more than me so she said her lawyer told her she would have to pay me child support..as a man I can not except it...she also said she wants us to have split costudy of the kids...yesterday she told my daughter that for right now daddy wont be coming home...for now. my daughter asked her while I was on the phone with D...I heard her in the background and got pissed off...