H asked me what I was journaling about this morning. I focused on the part related to myself and the things I want to work on ( changing how I feel about myself when he spends time with former EA or other women friends). He said that has nothing to do with me or the choices he is making. I said it's completely related as I choose to work on a relationship with the person I care about the most not start a new one where all the same issues will recur. He said he hadn't thought about it that way and how I look at things and how far I've come shows him how much work he has to do. So here's where things take a turn- he's talking about different things including how he doesn't want to hurt me and he loves me but he just can't be in a relationship with me in that way ( because of things I've done or he's done but either way he can't). Says our relationship changes to focus on parenting and not partners and yes sometimes he does look at other relationships as a way to work through his issues but he's not sure he's good for anyone. I said I understand that is where you are right now and I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Then he talks about planning a weekend trip all together with D for her birthday. I said if you really want to end this relationship you can't be half in and half out, I can be patient if you're working on things but I can't be tethered to a hope if it's not there. I can't have you half living at our house and half moved out ( he's only taken some clothes- everything else is at our house), we can't be planning family trips in the future- it's not fair to me emotionally to keep me half attached like that. He said he hadn't even thought of it that way. He had been thinking about what kind of relationship he wanted with me and not what I want or need. I said I understand that but I have to be in a place where I can move on emotionally I want this marriage and maybe in the future if you do we can work on it but I can't live so back and forth. Ugggh I'm afraid I'm pushing him but he needs to understand what it really looks like if this moves forward. He said he needs me in his life at some level and he's not sure what that is. I said I won't disappear from his life but if he wants to truly split we can't plan our lives like we are together.
2x4s welcome...... I just couldn't hold it in
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
