Yes, I am starting to see it like that CSam00. These few days of distance has helped me, and starting to tell people a bit of what is going on has made it more real. I can't live in denial anymore. I went to an al-anon meeting today. I meant to go yesterday but just as I was leaving my aunt showed up and asked if I wanted to take a walk with her. She had to talk about something going on in her life, and of course while she was talking I burst into tears and told her what has been going on with me for these past 8 months. It felt good to let it out, but then I felt remorseful later. BEcause now that I am starting to say it out loud to people who know both of us it makes it so much more real.
But I went to the meeting today. Of course I happen to go during an anniversary celebration. I felt like a party crasher. But the people were welcoming and encouraged me to get on line to eat. So I ate and waited and waited and nearly 45 minutes passed and nothing happened. I wanted to leave but now I had just eaten their food, it felt really rude to just eat and leave. Then somehow I found out the the woman sitting across from me was also a first timer (and she also ate their food) so I didn't feel so bad anymore. They had two guest speakers, and the first one--a guy from AA--really made me understand some of the patterns. I kept wondering if I belonged there, is he really an alcoholic? He doesn't get sloppy, or angry. He doesn't drink a lot at a time most of the time, but he was drinking daily (although that always seemed kind of normal to me). And when he stopped drinking it was super easy for him--but it didn't make things better so it must not be the drinking that is the problem. But this guy--a young guy who reminded me a lot of a cousin of me--talked about his years as a "dry drunk". And the behaviors he described seemed kind of familiar. The lack of intimacy. The running away from problems. Whether H is an alcoholic or not, I think that Al-anon might be a helpful resource for me. I am going home tomorrow and hope to find a meeting nearby. Unfortunately the one in my city is during my work time, but there has got to be others not too far. I'll have to look into it.
I think I am ready to let him go and maybe even starting the process on my own, but that is easy to say when I am not around him. I am afraid that when I see him my resolve will soften and I will go back to just wanting him.
Good for you! Walking through that door is the hardest step.
Your H doesn't have to be an "alcoholic" for you to attend and get benefit from AlAnon, it's for friends and family of problem drinkers. You get to decide if it's a problem for you.
AlAnon helped me in the detaching process, if you keep going and work the program, you'll get there and it will help you in all your Rs.
Why did his daily drinking seem normal?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
