M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
H and I went to dinner last night. We had so much fun. He was like an anxious teen on a first date ;-)
At the end, we were in the car and just ended up both bawling. He said he was so sorry for what he did. He said he loved me and wants us to stay married. He wants to come home but is confused and scared we can't get through this. I cried and expressed how hurt I was. I got angry a few times but was able to catch it and dial back quickly so did OK on that front (but definitely still room for improvement). I started to tell him some of what I am going through and what I'd need from him to feel safe. He said he understood and would do whatever it takes.
We hugged for a long time and then left agreeing that we would talk more very soon. We did not come up with a specific plan for him coming home just yet but we're on the cusp. I need to prepare myself for next steps.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
H has already txtd me this am asking when we can talk more again.
I know the basic plan is first and foremost to listen to him. Is this a good time to specifically discuss what coming home would take (i.e., details of transparency plan?)
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
H has already txtd me this am asking when we can talk more again.
I know the basic plan is first and foremost to listen to him. Is this a good time to specifically discuss what coming home would take (i.e., details of transparency plan?)
I think he needs to earn his way back in, and there's no time to start like the present. I would recommend you be unavailable to him for a few days -- busy, don'tchaknow! :o) -- and say something like "this weekend is going to be crazy; how about we talk more next week" . . . and maybe even throw in a "As nice as last nite was, I'm afraid this isn't so simple anymore" just to leave him hanging a bit.
And then yeah, figure out that short list of CORE DEALBREAKERS for yourself.
Thx Starsky, this is very helpful. Old MDU jumped on it and tried desperately to push things along. I've always been the driver in the relationship.
Having said that, while I agree it would be unwise to move too quickly, I'm anxious to balance this with showing him the path home is still "smooth and clear". Old MDU used much, much more minor offenses against him far past their expiration date. I know he has a legit fear of this.
Additionally, since I have always been the driver I suspect that if I don't clearly state "hey, I'm looking for you to take the initiative and move this forward" that we will hang in limbo for a long time. That he'll just wait for me to make the plan. I mean can I realistically expect him to change this without clearly stating, I know I've always been the driver but this is something you need to drive, don't wait around for me to?
Am I making any sense? lol, my mind is reeling a bit with this latest development.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Action speaks louder than words. Is he leaving on his own will or are you asking him to leave? Is it a mutual separation? Runners like limbo and some are in the distance and pursuer mode. You may want to leave things as they are for a while.
